How to Kill a Snape
by Miss Bright
Summary: Severus Snape isn't sure who will kill him first – Kira or Touta Matsuda. AU; crack.
1. Damage Control

**How to Kill a Snape**

**Summary:**** Severus Snape isn't sure who will kill him first – Kira or Touta Matsuda. AU; crack.**

**Genres: Parody, Adventure**

**A/N:** I find the Harry Potter fandom a rather intimidating and ambitious one (over 524k stories, daaaaamn) so I thought I'd start off with something a bit more comfortable: a Death Note crossover. Woot! This will be basically be a multi-chapter AU crackfic featuring most of the DN cast and a select few HP characters. Expect some OOCness and canon-timeline screwing.

So, without further ado, read on and hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own either series.

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: Damage Control<strong>

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><p>It all started when Matsuda stuck his head out the car window.<p>

"Oh my gosh, Aizawa! Look!" he yelped.

Of course, Aizawa ignored him. He was too busy focusing on getting into the parking lot at King's Cross, which was congested with red double-decker buses and shiny black taxis pulling out of the station. They had just come from Heathrow, and Aizawa had determined it would be cheaper to take the train to Winchester than to drive the rental.

"Look! You gotta see this!" Matsuda yelped again, beginning to hyperventilate.

"Matsuda, shut up! I'm driving!"

Without warning, Matsuda grabbed Aizawa by his afro and pushed his face against the windshield. Aizawa slammed on the brakes, causing the long stream of cars behind him to honk angrily.

"DON'T YOU SEE IT? TELL ME I'M NOT CRAZY!"

"Matsuda, let me go or I'll beat your sorry –"

Then Aizawa saw it.

_"Holy mother of –"_

* * *

><p><em>"RON, THE CAR!"<em>

"Oh no," Ron Weasley cried, frantically pressing the large silver button on the dashboard. "The Invisibility Booster must be faulty!"

The bright turquoise Ford Anglia vanished, then became visible again in the London sky.

"Ron, the _Muggles_ –!"

"Alright, hold on, Harry!" Ron yelled, slamming his foot on the gas pedal, and they raced higher into the clouds and out of sight.

* * *

><p>Hours later, Matsuda and Aizawa were sitting in a pub debating their next course of action.<p>

"I say we visit Wammy's House and then go home," said Aizawa firmly.

"No, no, we should definitely report this to the police," Matsuda argued, "or at least the press!"

"Do you _want _to be institutionalized, Matsuda? Do you _want_ to be thrown into a padded room? Do you _want _to be poked and prodded in strange, unspeakable places?"

Matsuda seemed to contemplate the answer.

"The answer's NO, you idiot!" Aizawa smacked his partner upside the head twice.

"Ouch! What was that second one for?"

"For touching my afro earlier. Now I'll have to go and shave it off later!"

"...I'm sorry," Matsuda whispered sadly. "I didn't mean any harm."

Aizawa sighed and rubbed his temples. "I know you didn't. Anyway, back to this _flying car _nonsense."

"It's not nonsense, we both saw it with our own eyes!"

"Yes, but who's going to believe us? How can cars fly_? _That sort of thing hasn't been invented yet! And it kept appearing and disappearing like some kind of ghost!"

Matsuda suddenly gasped, revelation sparkling in his eyes.

"It's obvious," the young detective said in hushed tones.

"What?"

_"Magic."_

* * *

><p>Severus Snape paced around the dungeon, clearly agitated. A copy of the <em>Evening Prophet<em> was clutched in his white-knuckled hands. The headline said it all.

**FLYING FORD ANGLIA MYSTIFIES MUGGLES.**

"You were seen. By no less than _seven_ Muggles! Do you have _any_ idea how serious this is? You have risked the exposure of our world!"

"We had no choice, sir –" Ron spluttered.

"There has to be something we can do to make things right," Harry said helplessly.

"_No_. You will do _nothing_!" Snape exploded. "You will stay here and serve detention with the Head of your House for the rest of your miserable existence at this school!"

"Severus," Dumbledore said sternly, "Minerva has better things to do with her time. No offense," he added for Harry and Ron's benefit.

"Agreed," said Professor McGonagall.

Snape's eyes were bulging. "So, Headmaster, how do you propose we punish them?" he demanded, his voice dangerously low.

"I'll think of something," Dumbledore responded gravely, peering over his half-moon spectacles. "But first things first, Severus. You know how the Ministry is with damage control."

"I'm on it," replied Snape, his upper lip curling. "I'll be back before pudding."

"And please, do try to be gentle with them," added McGonagall. "Muggles have such _delicate_ minds."

"No promises," Snape said over his shoulder as he strolled toward his fireplace.

_"The Leaky Cauldron," _he said very clearly.

There was a flash of green light, a swish of black robes, and Severus Snape was gone.

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><p>"It obviously exists," Matsuda jabbered away excitedly. "I mean, we've already seen one type of magic with the Death N –"<p>

_"Shhhhh!"_ Aizawa clapped a hand over the younger man's mouth. "For crying out loud, you should know better by now!"

"But nobody else here is Japanese," Matsuda pointed out after Aizawa released him.

"For all we know, there could very well be otaku lurking in this crowd," Aizawa muttered, casting the bartender a suspicious glance.

"O-Otaku?" Matsuda repeated uncertainly.

"Indeed," said Aizawa. "You can usually identify them by their sun-deprived skin, unwashed hair, permanent squint due to too much time in front of a computer or television, and strange attire that they call cosplay costumes..."

"You mean like _that_ guy?"

Aizawa spun around on his barstool to see who Matsuda was looking at.

A sallow-faced man with long, greasy dark hair was pushing his way through the crowded street just outside the pub, looking very much like a wizard with his flowing black robes and large crooked nose. Bystanders skirted to the side to avoid the man, which was a good thing, because he seemed to be in a foul mood and in a hurry.

Suddenly, he stopped, mid-stride.

The man slowly turned around.

And his sweeping gaze landed on the two detectives.

"Yikes! Do you think he heard us?" Matsuda squeaked, ducking down.

Aizawa began to sweat. Even from the distance, he could tell that the man was not someone he would want to mess with. "No, that's impossible – _ohmykirahescomingoverhere_."

"...eep!"

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><p><strong>AN:** Updates for this will be fairly quick/regular. Let me know what you think of it so far! Reviews are greatly appreciated ^_^


	2. Ambush

**A/N:** Thanks for all the alerts, faves and reviews so far. Each one's worth ten points to Gryffindor!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own either series. Nor do I own the Potter Puppet Pals' Mysterious Ticking Noise.

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><p><strong>Chapter<strong> **2**: **Ambush**

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><p>It had been a simple matter for Snape to cast a modified Taboo spell for the phrase "flying car" and follow up on each speaker he found, while using Legilimency to confirm his suspicions. So far, he had Obliviated two homeless Muggles, and currently, he was being alerted to a pub downtown.<p>

Snape made his way through the bustling square and stepped into the equally-noisy establishment. He instantly zeroed in on a pair of Muggle men sitting at the counter, who seemed to be trying their hardest to avoid Snape's gaze.

_"Muffliato."_

He approached them.

"Good evening," said Snape in flawless Japanese (thanks to a softly-uttered translation enchantment).

The younger of the two Muggles squeaked and spilled his soft drink all over his shirt.

"H-Hi!" he stammered.

The older Muggle handed his companion a bundle of tissues and acknowledged Snape. "Good evening. Is there something we can help you with?"

"As a matter of fact, yes," replied Snape.

There was a pause as Snape absorbed the younger Muggle's boyish features. More specifically, his eyes, which were as wide as saucers.

Snape leaned in. "Have either of you, by any chance, seen a flying car lately?"

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><p>Matsuda's first instinct was to Get the Hell Outta There. Something was definitely off with this stranger.<p>

For one, the guy was staring at him with a scary rape face.

Second, it _sounded _like he was speaking Japanese, but his words didn't match up with his lips, like in a badly dubbed anime or something.

Third, he had inquired about the flying car.

Last but not least, he was now reaching into his pants, pulling out something slim and pointy. It appeared to be made out of wood.

In a blink of an eye, Matsuda threw the rest of his Diet Pepsi at the man's slimy face and tore out of the pub, dragging Aizawa along with him.

"_Matsuda_, what the hell is wrong with you?" Aizawa shouted over the confusion erupting all around them. "You just attacked a civilian!"

"He's no civilian!" Matsuda shrieked.

"What do you mean?"

"HAVEN'T YOU SEEN MEN IN BLACK?" Matsuda wailed. "HE'S HERE TO KIDNAP US AND WIPE OUR MEMORIES!"

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><p>Snape furiously dried his dripping face with his sleeve before giving chase, ignoring the odd looks he was getting. Among the clamor of the busy street, he heard the younger Muggle's hysterical voice:<p>

_"...HERE TO…WIPE OUR MEMORIES!"_

Snape cursed under his breath, wondering how the Muggle had come to that conclusion. But there were more pressing matters at hand.

When Snape had sifted through his mind, the first thing that the Legilimens discovered was the flying Ford Anglia and the Muggle's plan to contact the authorities. His companion disagreed, but that detail was inconsequential. They were _both_ a danger to wizarding Britain, if not the entire magical world.

And now both were slipping from his grasp.

The only consolation was that Snape could still see the Pygmy Puff-shaped hair of the older Muggle bobbing through the crowd about ten meters ahead of him. It was too risky to pull out his wand in the middle of the street, so Snape had no choice but to follow.

Snape quickly ducked into an empty alleyway, occupied only by several dustbins. Once he Disillusioned himself, he rejoined the crowd.

Nobody could _ever_ escape from Snape, Snape, Severus Snape –

_"Dumbledore!"_ Snape muttered, cursing the Headmaster for entrusting him with this blasted mission.

* * *

><p>"Are we safe?" Matsuda panted, slamming the car door shut and locking it.<p>

Aizawa peered out the windows, craning his neck. The parking lot was vacant, save for three other cars.

"I...think so... Damn it, Matsuda! Why did you have to do that? Are you out of your mind?"

"No," Matsuda insisted. "He was armed! I saw him taking something out of his pants!"

"A gun?"

"I'm not sure, but it looked dangerous. Trust me!"

"You can't go around throwing Pepsi at people just because you think they look dangerous!"

"But he asked us about the flying car!"

"Maybe he saw it too," Aizawa reasoned. "Whatever, what's done is done. Let's just get out of here."

Matsuda nodded, calming down slightly. "Where are we going?"

"Wammy's," Aizawa answered, starting the engine. "We still need to gather information about Mello. Or have you forgotten that the notebook is now in the hands of the Mafia?"

"You mean the Bum-Bum Lovers?"

"The _Mafia…"_

"Yes, the Mafia," said Matsuda sagely, "also known as the Bum-Bum Lovers. Everyone knows that men living in close proximity do it all the time. Never mind that there are about a hundred prostitutes at their dispense, nobody likes chicks. Yaoi! Yaoi galore and sexy tiemz! Nobody actually sees it happen, but it's definitely canon!"

"Huh?"

Matsuda didn't get the chance to elaborate because just then, Snape's face loomed into view.

* * *

><p><em>"Alohomora."<em>

There was a click as the car door unlocked. Snape yanked it open, and swooped down to peer inside the vehicle.

"Aieeeeee!" the younger Muggle screeched in terror.

Snape brandished his wand and took aim. This time, he was ready.

_"Oblivi –"_

Or not.

The older Muggle had reacted inhumanly fast. In a split second, Snape found a metallic tube thing pressed to his forehead.

Snape recognized it immediately as a Muggle weapon. Even if he did successfully manage to complete the Memory Charm, there was no telling whether or not the Muggle would still pull the trigger. He couldn't risk Disarming him either, because Expelliarmus had five syllables and that took too much time to say.

"Put your hands where I can see them!" the Muggle ordered, stepping out of the car and forcing Snape backwards.

That only left him one other option.

_Levicorpus, _Snape thought as hard as he could.

"KYAAAAAAHHHH!"

The Muggle was instantly flung into the air, dangling upside-down.

"Aizawa!" the other Muggle cried, clambering out of the car.

"Matsuda, don't look! Look away, look away!" the man named Aizawa yelped, for his shirt had slipped down to reveal an extremely hairy chest and nipples as puffy as his afro.

"Oh, sweet baby Jesus…"

The Muggle named Matsuda fainted, presumably scarred for life.

Snape smirked triumphantly. The non-verbal jinx that he had invented as a mere teenager had yet to fail him.

He raised his wand again_. __"Ob –"_

Out of nowhere, Aizawa pistol-whipped him_._

* * *

><p><em>"<em>Oof!"

Aizawa dropped to the ground, body and ego bruised as an overripe mango. Luckily, he had managed to hold onto his gun when he had somehow levitated into the air.

Evidently, Matsuda had been right. This strange, greasy-haired otaku wizard-man was not to be trusted.

Aizawa crawled over to the heap of robes that was the unconscious "wizard" and pried the wooden stick from his grip. He gave it an experimental wave, but nothing happened, so he shrugged and stowed it away in his pocket in case it really was dangerous.

Then he went to check on Matsuda, who was beginning to stir.

"Matsuda, are you alright?"

"A-Aizawa…?" Matsuda slurred from the pavement. "Please tell me I was dreaming… tell me you don't actually have hairy puffy nipples…"

"I don't actually have hairy puffy nipples," Aizawa lied, knowing that the truth would send Matsuda into a coma or something.

"Good," Matsuda sighed.

Their relief was short-lived. A muffled groan told them that their unwelcome companion was starting to wake up, so Aizawa lunged for the older man and knocked him out.

"And STAY down, you slimy git!"

"Aizawa," Matsuda gasped, "that was amazing!"

"Nobody assaults us and gets away with it," Aizawa declared grimly. "Come on, Matsuda. We've got an orphanage to get to."

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><p><strong>AN: **Yes, they get to visit Roger and learn about Mello/Near before the main fun starts with the Task Force. Mwahaha.

Reviews are as sweet as Jelly Slugs :)


	3. Wammy's House of Horrors

**A/N: **One week left till the final movie, you guys… I don't think my heart can take it anymore!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own either series.

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><p><strong>Chapter <strong>**3****: ****Wammy's House of Horrors**

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><p>Snape woke up to a raging headache. It felt like a herd of centaurs were stampeding through his brain. He gingerly touched the bump forming on his head and struggled to his feet, trying desperately to remember what he was doing half-conscious in a parking lot at nighttime.<p>

Then it came rushing back to him.

"The Muggles," Snape growled, plunging his hands into his robes.

When his fingers met with air, he stiffened.

_"Lumos," _Snape called out.

The parking lot remained dark. There was not a wink of the telltale light that should've set his wand aglow if it was still in the vicinity. Evidently, that was not the case.

Snape cursed under his breath for the umpteenth time that day.

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><p>"Wow! So you mean they were meant to <em>succeed<em> L?" Matsuda said in disbelief as he stared down at the sketches before him.

Linda, a famous artist and former resident of Wammy's House, nodded.

"That one's Near," she said, pointing to the drawing of a boy with white curls and eyes so dark, emotionless, vacant, robotic, malicious, nasty, cold and a bunch of other descriptive contradicting synonyms that they seemed to suck out Matsuda's soul into the very paper.

"_N_," Aizawa affirmed.

"And this one's Mello," Linda continued, handing Matsuda the other drawing.

Matsuda glanced down at the page and immediately gasped.

"Who cut his hair?" he demanded. "He must've been teased something awful!"

"On the contrary. Mello was one of the biggest bullies here at Wammy's," the caretaker, Roger Ruvie, interjected.

"Tell us more," Aizawa pressed.

"Mello's the polar opposite of Near. They're like yin and yang, representing the two extremes of L," Linda said angstily. "If Near is ice, Mello is _fire_. Near is cold, and Mello is _hot_. While Near is a quiet, unfeeling machine, Mello is a loud, volatile train wreck... They're two forces that co-exist and balance each other out, two powers that would be unstoppable if they worked as one..."

"Oh, and Near wears white and Mello wears black," Roger added helpfully.

"Thanks, we get the picture," said Aizawa.

"We appreciate all your help, it'll definitely aid us in our investigation!" Matsuda exclaimed.

"No problem," Linda replied, packing up her supplies and getting ready to leave. "Though I still don't see how two drawings would help you with anything, we could've easily just provided you with a description instead. Now that I think about it, why are we even helping you? Especially since people think that Kira's co-operating with you guys? Aren't we putting Mello and Near in danger now that the police know what they look like?"

"Probably, but who cares?" said Roger.

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><p>The bell above the door jingled eerily as Snape swept through the entrance of Ollivander's Wand Shop.<p>

"Ah, Mr. Severus Snape," a wispy voice floated toward him, and the wandmaker hobbled into view. "Good evening. To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I need a replacement," Snape said curtly.

Ollivander looked appalled. "You _are_ aware that your magical abilities may suffer greatly with a new wand?"

"I have no choice," Snape snapped. "I've misplaced mine, so I'll need a temporary one for the time being."

"Well, let's see what I have..."

An hour later, Snape found himself surrounded by opened boxes, rumpled wrapping paper and discarded wands. The wandmaker, who normally delighted in troublesome matches, was noticeably anxious.

"As you know, the wand chooses the wizard," Mr. Ollivander said almost apologetically. "It seems like there was and ever will be only one wand meant for you, Severus."

Snape suddenly clutched at his heart.

"I remember that day very clearly," Ollivander sighed. "Blackthorn, thirteen inches, dragon heartstring. You came in with Lily Evans..."

"I'll be on my way now," Snape said icily. "May I use your fireplace?"

"Yes, yes... ah, here's the Floo powder..."

Snape took a handful from the proffered bowl and tossed it into the flames. The instant they turned a brilliant emerald green, he uttered:

_"Hogwarts, the Headmaster's Office."_

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><p>Roger was showing Matsuda and Aizawa the way out when several children randomly ran up to them.<p>

"Oh, look, they're so cute!" Matsuda cried blissfully, but shuddered when he noticed that none of them had any eyebrows.

_A tribute to L, perhaps? _Matsuda thought._ That's kinda creepy..._

One of the little girls looked him up and down, then sniffed condescendingly.

"We're geniuses with intelligence quotients on par with Einstein. Don't call us cute."

"Um, well, IQ isn't everything, you know," Matsuda said lamely.

"Sure it is. We're so smart, we've been helping the police solve cases since day one. It's basically our homework. Tell him, Roger."

"It's true," said Roger.

"Is that even legal?" Aizawa wanted to know. "It sort of sounds like child exploitation or something."

"It's a learning experience for them. They're putting their minds to good use and we're helping them reach their full potential," Roger explained, rolling his eyes as though he was tired of hearing Wammy's House being portrayed as some kind of depressing evil hellhole that churned out child soldiers even though it functioned like any other typical educational institution preparing and molding kids for their well-being and future careers and then releasing them into the vicious competition and brutal economy of the real world. Preach. So what if "A" committed suicide and "B" went nuts? They weren't even canon.

Aizawa frowned. "You're helping them reach their full potential by exposing them to the horrors of the world at an early age?"

"Everyone already has dark and terrible pasts of varying degrees," the young girl said somberly. "After all, we're orphans. We're orphans for a reason, and we're here because we're special and because we want to be here. And don't even think of playing the brainwashing card, because that's totally overdone."

Aizawa clamped his mouth shut.

Matsuda couldn't contain his curiosity. "Do you have any special talents or abilities?" he piped up.

One of the boys laughed. "Like what, X-ray vision?"

"No, like...like...sports. Running and jumping and kicking things around! Kung-fu, karate chop!"

Blank stares.

"No? What about the arts? Painting, singing, dancing, playing an instrument? Er, maybe cooking? Hello? Nothing?"

The group of children glared at Matsuda as though he had said something blasphemous.

"What good are talents to detectives in training?" the smallest girl scoffed. "They'd just get us labeled Mary Sues and Gary Stus faster than you can say "OCs suck balls" and _nobody_ wants THAT."

"Heh?"

"We _do_, however, have interesting quirks!" one of the boys jumped in, jamming a thumb up his nose and then licking it enthusiastically.

"So then what makes _these_ kids so much more special than the millions of other smart girls and boys out there, exactly?" Matsuda asked Roger.

The caretaker shrugged. "I honestly have no idea. Come to think of it, I'll probably just shut this place down and become Near's Watari when he defeats Kira. I've always been on Team Near, you see..."

Roger ripped off his shirt to reveal a sparkly white tank top underneath with a large gothic letter N on it.

"Woohoo! Go Near!" Roger shouted, jiggling his man-boobs.

"Aizawa, let's get out of here," Matsuda said, throwing up in his mouth.

"I'm right behind you."

* * *

><p>"Severus!" came Dumbledore's exclamation as Snape burst through the Headmaster's fireplace. "What kept you so long? The Sorting and Welcoming Feast are over now."<p>

"Did you give Potter and Weasley fitting punishments?" Snape asked quickly.

"Yes, I've already spoken to Argus and Professor Lockhart about it. They'll be making the arrangements," Dumbledore replied.

"_ME GUSTA. _Ahem. As for the flying car Obliviations..."

Snape hesitated, glancing up at the portraits of past headmasters and headmistresses mounted on the office walls, who all appeared to be sleeping.

Dumbledore wordlessly gestured toward the Pensieve sitting on his desk.

Snape shook his head. "I can't. I...I don't have my wand."

"Where is it?" Dumbledore asked shrewdly.

Snape grimaced and braced himself for the explosion.

"A Muggle took it. Two Muggles, actually."

The portraits instantly "woke up" and began shouting excitedly, filling the office with loud buzzing.

"How _irresponsible –_"

"–endangering our world..."

"Merlin's beard!"

"...wait till Fudge hears about this..."

"I LOOOVE TUUUURTLES!"

_"__Quiet!"_ Dumbledore commanded, and everyone fell silent. "And where do you think you're going, Phineas?"

Phineas Nigellus Black paused mid-way to the edge of the frame of his portrait.

"Um, nowhere, Dumbledore."

"None of you will breathe a word of this, do you understand? You are bound to serve me, not the Ministry."

"Yes, yes," Phineas grumbled, sulking back into the canvas.

Dumbledore turned his attention to Snape. "Severus, did the Muggles see you use it? The wand?"

"They saw me try, I even Levitated one of them, but for some reason..." Snape broke off, realizing something.

"What?"

"Emotionally speaking, the Muggles didn't seem to react to the actual magic," Snape replied. "One of them was more concerned with the exposure of his private areas."

"Hmm," said Dumbledore. "How odd."

"I need to fix this. I need to get my wand back," Snape declared, circling Dumbledore's desk to study his delicate silver instruments, one of which was emitting puffs of smoke shaped like an upright Thestral. "Can you help me?"

Dumbledore raised a silvery brow. "I'm Dumbledore. I can do anything."

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><p><strong>AN: **Dumbledore is a BEAST. He will not, however, be accompanying Snape on his pending adventure. Sorry! Hogwarts, however, may _possibly _play a role in this later on. Mwahahaha. Oh, and Snape's wand details are actually unknown, so I just made them up, heh.

Every review goes toward S.P.E.W. ^_^

(Nah, not really.)


	4. Next Stop, Hollywood

**A/N: **Sorry for the slow update, I've been very, very busy this week (see note below)!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note. Also, any views expressed by the Daily Prophet may or may not be my own. Heh heh heh.

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><p><strong>Chapter 4: <strong>**Next Stop, Hollywood**

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><p>"You see this?" Dumbledore asked Snape, directing his gaze at the Thestral-shaped smoke winding through the air. "It's a Shinigami, a creature of death. Lately, a couple of them have been wreaking havoc in the Muggle world. I trust that you keep yourself up to date with the news, Severus?"<p>

"Of course," Snape said slowly, "but what does that have anything to do with my wand?"

"If I'm reading the signs correctly, the best chance of recovering it will be to locate the Shinigami." Dumbledore stroked his beard. "I can't exactly tell you how they'd be able to assist you, but my strangely nameless and unidentified silver instruments that _just so conveniently_ give me clues during times of trouble have _never_ been wrong..."

Snape frowned into the haze of smoke. "The Shinigami? How am I supposed to approach them, these creatures of death?"

"You'll have to defer to the experts about that," said Dumbledore. "Meaning Hagrid, of course."

"Hagrid..." Snape was reluctant about the gamekeeper.

"I would advise you to drop by his place as soon as possible, not to mention anything about your missing wand, and to stay clear of the giant, bloodthirsty Acromantula in the Forest that nobody knows about because they're so well-hidden –"

"...I beg your pardon?"

The Headmaster blinked.

"Stay clear of the Whomping Willow, I'll have Professor Sprout tend to her in the morning," Dumbledore said calmly as though he hadn't almost exposed the four founders of Hogwarts as dunces for building the school near a place as sketchy and dangerous as the Forbidden Forest, which would only serve as a tempting breeding ground for illicit activities like rampant teenage sex and harboring eight-legged monster fugitives. Nope, no siree.

* * *

><p>As they made their way through Heathrow security, a thought occurred to Aizawa.<p>

How _had _the English man managed to flip him into the air like that? Was he actually a "wizard"? Or had it simply been another Shinigami, invisible to them and seeking mischief?

Then he suddenly remembered what he had stuffed inside his jacket.

"Matsuda, take a look at this," said Aizawa, taking out the wooden stick.

"Whoa, you stole it from that guy!" Matsuda exclaimed.

"I confiscated what I thought to be a dangerous weapon," Aizawa argued. "So what do you think it is?"

"A wand, of course!" Matsuda said eagerly, snatching it out of Aizawa's hands for a closer inspection. He gave it a little wave, but nothing happened. "Aw...it's fake..."

"Should we throw it out?"

"No way, it's so cool! Can I keep it? Please?" Matsuda cooed.

When Aizawa hesitated, Matsuda proceeded to give him the biggest puppy eyes ever and Aizawa's stone cold heart melted, because silly!Matsuda melts everyone's hearts even though he's a freakin' thirty-year-old man who most likely had Peter Pan syndrome.

"Please~?"

"Aw, Matsui, don't do that...you know I can't resist tildes..."

":D~?"

"FINE, you can keep it."

"Yayyy!"

* * *

><p>"Evenin', Snape. How can I help yeh?"<p>

Without waiting for an invitation, Snape entered the half-giant's cabin. His nose immediately wrinkled at the putrid odor wafting toward him from the roaring fireplace. It smelled like a mixture of bellybutton lint and penguin breath.

Hagrid hastily shielded the boiling cauldron from view.

"Er, that's fer Fang... his dinner, yeh see..."

"Sure it is," Snape said snidely. "In any case, I'm not interested in your dog's food. What can you tell me about the Shinigami?"

"Shinigami? Ah, yeh must be talkin' 'bout the Death Gods!" Hagrid began rummaging through his cabinets and pulled out a few bowls. "What d'yeh wan' ter know? Haven' yeh read _Fantastic Creatures and Where to Find Them_?"

"I'm afraid it's lacking in the "where to find them" department."

"Why d'yeh need to find one?"

"Dumbledore's orders," replied Snape.

Hagrid scratched his bushy hair with his free hand. "Well, I'm afraid yeh're out o' luck, Snape. They're 'specially hard ter track down seein' they can think fer themselves, but I can tell yeh that the best place ter start would be the United States o' America. Tha's where most o' the Muggle criminals have bin dyin' out lately."

Snape nodded slowly. "That's right. The Mafia," he muttered.

He remembered reading it now in the Daily Prophet, a tiny column squished in right next to Rita Skeeter's biting editorial about Gilderoy Lockhart, _Hunk or Junk?_

**MUGGLE GANGS**** DIMINISHING THANKS TO "KIRA", THE CORRUPT AND HYPOCRITAL PURIST MUGGLE VERSION OF YOU-KNOW-WHO! **

"Los Angeles!" Hagrid suddenly bellowed, almost causing Snape to jump. "Yeh know what that means?"

Snape warily shook his head.

"Yeh're goin' ter HOLLYWOOD!"

* * *

><p><em>"We're hooooome!"<em> Matsuda sang, barreling into the room that served as the Task Force's L.A. headquarters with a sullen Aizawa trailing behind him.

Light looked up from the laptop he was pretending to work on.

"So, what did you find – _what the_... Aizawa, what happened to your hair?"

Aizawa shot Matsuda a glowering look.

"I had to get it cut when we landed," the newly afroless Aizawa fumed. "It became infested with Matsuda-germs after he grabbed my head and shoved it into the windshield."

"And... why did he do that?"

"We saw a flying car!" Matsuda yipped, flapping his arms like a bird.

"_Car_," piped up Mogi, who was hulking in a random corner doing paperwork. "Vroom vroom, _not_ quack quack."

"Your mom's a quack," said Ide for the sake of having his first line as well.

"Hey! Sayu's seeing a quack!" Soichiro snapped, clearly offended.

"Excuse me? A flying _car? _Are you high?_" _Light demanded.

"We're not on crack," Matsuda assured him. "Nor are we drunk. But if we were, I'd be telling you how beautiful your velveteen caramel-tinted eyes are."

Light blushed and looked totally uke.

Aizawa cleared his throat. "It's true. Not the part about your eyes, but the flying car. A Ford Anglia. We saw it just as we were pulling into King's Cross Station."

Light tapped his chin. "Hmm. What an unexpected turn of events. A plot twist, if you will."

"Awesome!" Matsuda did a fist pump.

"I dislike plot twists," Light sighed irritably. "I also dislike continuity errors, such as having myself chained to L on Valentine's Day or Christmas. _Baka..._"

"So what month is it right now?" Mogi asked carefully.

"Septober, otherwise known as Octember," Light answered with absolute confidence and finality.

"Ah."

"Are we going to do anything about this?" Soichiro asked his son, the second L.

"At the moment, no. Our objective right now isn't to sit around discussing UFOs, but to locate Mello, retrieve the notebook, and stop Kira once and for all. Let's get back on track, shall we?"

* * *

><p><em>BANG.<em>

Snape gave his fingers an experimental flex, and then ran his hands over his body. Wandless Apparition was tricky and even riskier than normal Apparition, but it had been his only way to get to Los Angeles, where the wizard population was low and therefore had no reason to be connected to the Floo Network.

He quickly surveyed his surroundings. Luckily, he was alone. Snape had Apparated behind the Hollywood sign, the only place he could properly visualize (_Destination! Determination! Deliberation!)._

As Snape stood on the hill overlooking the rest of the Santa Monica Mountains, a soft breeze blew through his famously greasy hair. For a fleeting moment, Snape felt like a movie star, or better, a luscious shampoo model.

Snape tossed his head in slow motion, a sensual pout on his lips.

"Because I'm worth it," he whispered.

(Just kidding, that didn't actually happen. OOC Snape isn't quite as funny as realistic, in-character, deadpan Snape. Am I right? Amirite? AMIRITE?)

Anyway, just then, two unearthly _things_ soared past him, floating aimlessly through the sky.

_"Ryuk, I want my noteboooook..." _the smaller one was whining while the other tried fruitlessly to ignore it.

By Merlin's saggy left nut, Snape had found the Shinigami.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Reviews would be a wonderful belated birthday gift, winkedy wink wink ;) They'll help me feel less gross about turning 20, which was marked by practically an entire week of non-stop partying/eating/working...ughhh...

...THE EFFING DEATHLY HALLOWS is really out _TODAY!_ GOOD LORD, BLESS OUR TEARS OF BLISS AND GRIEF.


	5. Visitor

**A/N:** You know Harry Potter's amazing when the theatre starts bawling SIMULTANEOUSLY like a chorus of banshees (namely during the Great Hall morgue scene with Lupin, Tonks and Fred).

**Disclaimer:** I don't own either series.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5: Visitor <strong>

* * *

><p>Matsuda paced around his hotel room as he addressed the stuffed toy sitting in the loveseat.<p>

"You must guard it with your life, Mufasa. No LOOKING at strangers, no FRATERNIZING with strangers, and absolutely no ACCEPTING BRIBES from strangers_. _Yeah, I know you were the one that told Mogi that I write My Little Pony lemons in my spare time, don't even deny it!"

Matsuda paused and glared at the lion plushie before flying into a full-blown caps lock rage.

"NO, SCREW YOU. OFFICER TARO BUBBLE TEA WAS AND IS A VERY CLEVER SCREEN NAME SO THERE'S NO WAY MOGI FIGURED IT OUT HIMSELF, YOU TRAITOROUS ARSEHOLE. AND FYI, SCAR IS TEN TIMES COOLER THAN YOU! YEAH, I WENT THERE."

Mufasa stared wistfully up at him. Mufasa didn't like caps lock.

Matsuda sighed, and his voice lowered to an apologetic whisper. "I'm sorry Mufasa-kun, I overreacted. It's just that nobody else can know about _this._ Aizawa thinks it's just a toy. But I know better. I know the truth..."

The detective's gaze dropped to the deadly weapon lying at the stuffed lion's feet.

Touta Matsuda was, in fact, a diehard conspiracy theory enthusiast. Oh, yes! Wizardry was right up there with the aliens, the moon landing, and presidential assassinations. Matsuda also knew firsthand of the many strings governments pulled. Why, the Task Force was doing it themselves, by keeping L and Watari's deaths under wraps, and by covering up the existence of the Shinigami and the notebooks.

So, the greasy-haired whack-job that had ambushed them in London after sighting the flying had obviously been sent by one of those secret government sectors, one that was controlled by wizards and possibly trolls. Therefore, the thing that Aizawa had confiscated from him was most certainly the real deal.

A real wand.

Well... it was _his_ wand, now. And he would do anything to protect it.

"My preciousssss," Matsuda croaked Gollumishly before skittering out the door like Spiderman™ (Marvel lawyers don't sue me pls for I used teh trademark symbol lolz).

* * *

><p>Snape closed his eyes and focused on The Three Ds. It was a long shot, but it was better than lurking around the Hollywood sign doing nothing.<p>

_Destination_: On top of the Shinigami. Because Snape should never bottom. It's visually awkward, like picturing a hamster humping a walrus.

_Determination: _Not to end up Splinched into a hundred bite-sized pieces, like mini Oreos. Oreos, being some obscure symbol/metaphor/onomatopoeia/delicious snack for how Severus Snape is bitter, hard and Dark on the outside, but sweet and soft and _good _on the insi – oops, spoiler alert, SPOILER ALERT.

_Deliberation: _This was Snape's specialty. Who else would take ten whole seconds to say, "Turn to page 394"? A snail blessed with the power of speech, that's who.

_BANG._

The Shinigami named Ryuk yelped when Snape suddenly materialized on its back, grasping its shoulders.

The smaller Shinigami screamed, "Ryuk, there's a human on you!"

Ryuk turned his head one-eighty degrees and scowled. "Yeah, I kinda noticed. How is he able to see us, Sidoh?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

"Because you're the one carrying around a bunch of scrolls with Shinigami rules written on them!"

The Shinigami named Sidoh shook his head. "No I'm not. That only happened in the manga," he explained patiently.

"Ugh, how useless... So hey, who _are_ you? And how'd you get up here?"

Snape clung onto dear life as Ryuk purposely passed through a cloud. He had never been skilled at flying (in fact, he _hated _broomsticks, he hated everything that had to do with Quidditch), but riding a Shinigami was about ten times worse.

"I'm no ordinary human. I... I'm a wizard," Snape forced out, "and I need your help."

"A wizard? What's that?" asked Sidoh.

"A person who can perform magic," Snape replied.

Ryuk's eyes gleamed. "_Magic? _Oooh, how interestingly interesting, you interesting human! Can you show us some interesting tricks?"

"No. My wand got stolen by a pair of Muggles," Snape said curtly. "They go by the names of Aizawa and Touta Matsuda. Do you know where I can find them?"

Ryuk almost fell out of the sky.

"Why, _yes_, as a matter of fact, I do..."

* * *

><p>Light was in the middle of grilling Matsuda and Aizawa for more details about Wammy's House when Ryuk unexpectedly appeared in front of him.<p>

Ryuk, invisible to the others, waved casually at Light, who gave no indication that he could see the Shinigami.

"You've got a visitor," he singsonged. "He's waiting outside this very moment."

Light frowned.

"Did you hear that?" he asked Matsuda.

"Eh?"

"I think someone's at the door," said Light. "Were you guys followed or something earlier?"

"Um, no..." Matsuda stammered nervously. "Maybe it's room service?"

"I specifically cancelled room service. Go see who it is," ordered Light.

"O-Okay..."

Both Aizawa and Matsuda got up to check on the entrance of their hotel suite. Aizawa peered through the peep-hole and was surprised to see a young, red-haired woman standing there. She was quite beautiful, save for the fact that her face was wearing an expression akin to intense constipation.

Aizawa couldn't shake the feeling he'd seen that expression before. Very recently, actually...

"It's a woman," Matsuda said in awe.

Light was startled. "What? Are you sure?"

"She looks," Matsuda momentarily broke off, blushing, "ah, she looks like she needs to use the bathroom or something. Should I let her in?"

"Hmm," Light muttered.

Ryuk had used the pronoun _he_, but Matsuda seemed adamant that their visitor was female.

Almost instinctively, Light glanced at Ryuk. The Shinigami grinned mysteriously back at him.

Curiouser and curiouser.

"Go ahead. What harm can it possibly do?" Light murmured, narrowing his eyes as Matsuda hurriedly unlocked the door.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I have a habit of over-thinking things, hence another slow update. I'm very sorry! *blows kiss*

Review and get a random Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Bean!


	6. Cliffhanger Plus an Author's Note

**A/N:** Wishing Neville, Harry and JK Rowling belated happy birthdays! Woot!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own either series. Siriusly.

**Very Important Note: **This will be a very short chapter. Reasons are at the bottom. I'm so, so sorry.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6: Cliffhanger Plus an Author's Note<strong>

* * *

><p>After her eyes, Lily Evans's second-best feature had been her fiery hair. In fact, Snape had loved Lily's hair so much that he used to nick her brush when they were teenagers and pluck out the loose strands as secret keepsakes, which he always carried with him in a vial necklace underneath his robes. <em>Always<em>.

Was it gross? Disturbing? Creepy? Indeed, but not nearly as creepy as groping the fresh corpse of your unrequited love in front of her infant son.

…Oh, wait.

But at least now the hairs were being put to good use. Before leaving Hogwarts, Snape had taken with him several potions that he kept in reserve. Adding Lily's hair to the pre-brewed base of Polyjuice Potion had turned it – yep, you've guessed it – a glittering crimson. It tasted of strawberries, cream, sugar, and extreme angst. And when he transformed, it was all that he could do to not look at reflective surfaces.

Snape turned Lily's beautiful green eyes toward the peephole belonging to the entrance of what the Shinigami had told him to be the Muggles' hideout (what on earth did they need a hideout for, anyway?) and noted that there was a suspicious and familiar brown eye looking out at him from the other end of the peephole.

It belonged to the man named Aizawa.

Snape-turned-Lily tried to smile, but it turned out as a pained grimace. He just wasn't the smiling type. Sneering and smirking, yes, but smiling? It was as though he had forgotten how to.

Then, half a minute later, the door swung open.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **As it's against the site's rules to post something that's just an author's note, I ended up churning out that tiny chapter plus the cliffhanger. I realize it's kind of cruel, but it was all I could manage. Please forgive me!

That being said, I have an important announcement to make. It's not a very good one, unfortunately. I'm going through a really rough patch in real life right now and am having trouble focusing on writing (especially humor), so I have no choice but to go on a brief hiatus of an undetermined time – as a writer, NOT as a reader. I'll still be around to read and review my fave fics. Normally, I'm a regular updater, but with all this IRL stuff going on, I can't fulfill my earlier promises/commitments/requests anymore. I'm afraid it'll impact the quality of my writing. Same goes for my other fics. My plan is to continue to write on the side, and then return to post whatever I have whenever I feel like I'm ready again. Don't worry, I'm not abandoning anything, I just need a break to deal. Hope you'll understand :)

Anyway, enjoy the rest of the summer (winter for the southern hemisphere) and hopefully I shall see everyone again soon. And may all you Potterheads get into Pottermore early (I got in just this morning, haha)! Thanks so much for reading ^_^

– MB


	7. Obliviate

**A/N:** An update, after three long months! Thank you to everyone for your awesome reviews, and the alerts/faves. They kinda kicked me back into gear :)

In other news, I'm now a proud Ravenclaw on Pottermore. I was pretty surprised, but I guess it makes sense. Add me if you'd like – I'm RiverSword100!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own either series.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7: Obliviate<strong>

* * *

><p>"Hi!" said Touta Matsuda, smiling expectantly. "How can I help you?"<p>

Snape quickly did a head count. There were a total of six Muggles in the room, including Aizawa and Touta Matsuda, as the Shinigami had promised. In the corner of his eye, he saw Ryuk the Shinigami waving at him in greeting.

Snape's gaze landed on the black metal tubes poking out of each of the men's belts.

_Guns._

All of their eyes were on him, or rather, the reincarnation of Lily Evans.

Snape was ready. "You need to evacuate the building immediately. The hotel has just received a bomb threat, so we are vacating each room to ensure the safety of our guests," he recited stiffly.

"A bomb threat? Terrorists, in these days?" came an incredulous voice from behind Matsuda.

A young Muggle dressed in a crisp khaki suit stepped forward, giving Snape an appraising look. Snape-turned-Lily stiffened in his borrowed maid outfit, but the other man, who seemed little more than a boy, appeared disinterested.

"A bomb threat?" repeated the man. Suddenly, there was a gleam in his eyes.

"Yes." The back of Lily's – his – neck prickled. Snape knew that look. It was the look of a man with a plan. "We must go, now!"

"Do we leave our stuff?" asked Aizawa, glancing at the younger Muggle anxiously.

"Yes, just leave your things… they'll be taken care of… the hotel will see to any damages incurred…"

"We understand," muttered the rather well-built Muggle standing next to Aizawa.

"B-But…w-wait…just…"

Ignoring Matsuda's stammers, Snape quickly ushered the group out of the hotel room. He waited until they disappeared around the corner before he slipped back inside, locking the door behind him.

There were laptops and coffee mugs and papers strewn everywhere. Snape thought hard. From Matsuda's reluctance to leave the room, the wand was still somewhere here. Hidden, most likely, from the other Muggles.

The curtains were already drawn, blocking out the afternoon sun. Snape flicked off the lights, plunging the suite into complete darkness.

"_Lumos!" _he called.

Instantly, a soft white glow spilled from one of the bedrooms further down the suite. Relief washed over him, and he began to make his way to the bedroom to retrieve what was rightfully his.

* * *

><p>The Japanese Task Force was halfway down the empty emergency stairs when Light halted to a stop.<p>

"Where's everybody else?" Light asked suspiciously.

His father peered over the rail and down the gap between the descending steps. "I don't see anyone…"

"Maybe we're the only ones left in the building," said Matsuda worriedly.

"Or perhaps," Light said slowly, "it was a trick to lure us out of the hotel room?"

Ryuk, invisible to the others, gave a throaty chuckle.

"Right again, Raito."

Light twitched. "It's _Light_, if you're writing and speaking in English, it's FUCKING LIGHT NOT RAITO!"

Soichiro stared at his son in shock. "Are you alright, Light?"

But Light wasn't the only one randomly spazzing out. Matsuda's face had suddenly contorted in alarm.

"A trick? To lure us out? I gotta get back!" Matsuda yelped, sprinting up the stairs as fast as an apple disappearing down Ryuk's gullet.

"Matsuda, wait up!"

The Task Force followed Matsuda back to their hotel room, which was locked. Ide swiped his card through the reader, but when they tried to open the door, it wouldn't budge.

"It's locked from the inside," Aizawa said furiously. "That girl…"

That was no girl, Light thought, remembering Ryuk's warning.

"Stand aside!" Matsuda cried, drawing his pistol.

_BANG._

With the door handle still smoking, Matsuda shoved his way into the darkened hotel room, weapon raised.

"Where are you, thief?"

There was a faint light coming from his bedroom. Matsuda's heart leapt, and without thinking, he ran towards it.

* * *

><p>Snape twirled his wand, happy to have it back in his hands. But before he could return to Hogwarts, there were a few memories to take care of…<p>

His head snapped up at the sound of a small explosion. For a wild moment, Snape thought that perhaps his bomb-threat story turned out to be a happy coincidence. But then he heard the shouting.

"_Where are you, thief?" _

Snape smirked. Touta Matsuda was walking into his own doom.

One second later, the Muggle's head poked through the bedroom door, gun at the ready.

Snape was prepared. He was not going to make the same mistake as the last time.

"_Expelliarmus!" _Snape uttered.

A jet of red light shot towards the gun, sending it flying through the air and into Snape's outstretched hand.

"No!" Matsuda howled.

Bright yellow light flooded the bedroom as the rest of the Muggles arrived on the scene. They gaped at Snape-as-Lily, and the thin wooden stick pointed directly at them.

"Excellent," Snape breathed, "you're making this very easy for me. _Expelliarmus! Expelliarmus! Expelliarmus! Expelliarmus! Expelliarmus!"_

Four guns and a pen flew toward Snape, landing at his feet.

"What the –?"

"Matsuda," gasped Aizawa, goggling at Snape's wand, "you were right! That's an honest-to-God magic wand! You were right!"

"Always the tone of surprise," said Matsuda, because the author is a hardcore Romione shipper. Oh, random and irrelevant cross-fandom references.

* * *

><p><em>Magic wand?<em>

Light's mind flashed back to the conversation he had earlier, with Aizawa and Matsuda. Something about a flying Ford Anglia at King's Cross Station…

Light studied the red-haired girl before them. She had a very distinct English accent, one similar to Watari's. Could it be possible that this girl was connected to what happened to Aizawa and Matsuda in London?

"You're a witch," said Mogi suddenly.

The girl's knuckles whitened as her grip became tighter on the wand.

"Yes," said the girl softly, "and I have no choice but to –"

She brandished the wooden stick.

"_OBLIVIATE!"_

Mogi's eyes rolled back, and the burly detective dropped like a sack of potatoes, unconscious but breathing.

"_OBLIVIATE!"_

Soichiro Yagami keeled forward and landed on his giant moustache, which cushioned his glasses from breaking.

"_OBLIVIATE!"_

Ide crumpled to the ground, boring as ever.

Light's mind was racing as he tried frantically to think of a plan. There were only three Task Force members remaining: Aizawa, Matsuda, and himself. "Obliviate" was obviously some sort of mind-wiping spell, as the word itself suggested.

And now the wand was pointed at _him._

What if he ended up losing all his memories of being Kira? What if he forgot about tracking down Mello and the Mafia, who still had the notebook? What if he ended up, God forbid, as dumb as Misa? All the planning, all the schemes and lies and time and effort – all gone, down the drain in the matter of seconds?

Matsuda was clutching Aizawa's arm, whimpering. It was clear that the witch was saving them for last.

"_OBL –"_

Light did the only thing he could think of: _run_.

Shoving Matsuda and Aizawa into harm's way, Light scrambled out of the bedroom, Ryuk hovering at his heels. He could hear yelling and squealing from behind him, and then two loud thumps.

Light ran for it. He fled down the corridor, flew down the emergency stairs, tore down the street, and boarded a bus. There were only a few passengers.

Breathing hard, Light threw himself into a plastic orange seat at the back of the bus.

"I need to get to Misa," Light muttered. "Ryuk, you don't seem particularly surprised by these turn of events."

Ryuk grinned. "I'm not."

"You _knew _that person was a witch? And you didn't tell me?"

"Well, you never asked," said the Shinigami, cackling delightedly.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Sadly, I won't be able to promise regular updates this time. This was written at the spur of the moment. Motivation and inspiration are very fickle friends. So is free time. Urgh!


	8. Gothic Lolita

**A/N: **First off, PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THE SUPER LONG WAIT. I've been trying to get back to writing since New Year's, but I totally got sidetracked by BBC's Sherlock. If you haven't seen it, DO IT NOW LIKE RIGHT RIGHT NOW because it's the best thing since anything.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own a thing.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8: Gothic Lolita<strong>

* * *

><p>Aizawa threw himself at Matsuda, and they both tumbled to the floor. Snape swooped down on them at once.<p>

"WAIT," Matsuda bellowed as Snape brandished his wand again. "We're policemen, hear us out –"

"Police or not, I don't make deals with Muggles," Snape sneered.

"But we have information," Matsuda squeaked, protectively clutching the sides of his head. "You'll still have to track down Light, right?"

"Matsuda, no!"

"Actually, that won't be a problem." Snape knelt down, yanked Matsuda's head back, and gazed intently into his eyes. The face of a pretty blonde girl instantly swam into view: _Mrs. Yagami-to-be. _Snape pushed harder, and was satisfied when he found the address of a Hilton hotel located just down the street.

"Thank you very much." Snape relinquished his hold on Matsuda.

"Y-You're welcome? So are you letting us go now?"

"No." Snape took aim. "_Oblivi_– ARGHH!"

Aizawa had tossed Matsuda's stuffed lion into his face. Snape furiously batted the toy away. "I HATE LIONS!" Snape screamed, trembling with rage. "_REDUCTO!_" Golden fluff and cotton bits sailed through the air.

"MAFUSA MY DARLING BBY!" Matsuda howled, embarking on a spiralling and totally non-clichéd descent into grief and madness. Without hesitation, Matsuda dove for the guns that Snape had Disarmed them of and began shooting blindly.

BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM –

"_Protego!"_

Snape's Shield Charm expanded across the suite, safely dividing him and Aizawa from Matsuda. Bullets ricocheted around Matsuda's half of the room before getting lost in the ceiling.

"_Finite!" _The second the Shield Charm dissolved, Snape shouted, _"Stupefy!"_

A jet of red light struck Matsuda square in the chest. He collapsed, now motionless.

Snape then turned toward Aizawa. The Muggle shook his head in defeat.

"This is about the flying car, isn't it? Your people want to cover up the existence of magic," said Aizawa.

Snape nodded, impressed with Aizawa's insightfulness.

Aizawa suddenly looked hopeful. "Well, we already know about magic. We know about the Kira's Death Note, the Shinigami, and their realm, so there's really no point in wiping our memories! It's not like we're going to go blabbing to anyone – we're covering up the existence of magic ourselves!"

_Hmm. _Snape hesitated, and then lowered his wand. "I may need to consult with Dumbledore on this," he admitted.

Aizawa heaved a sigh of relief.

"Come with me," ordered Snape, "and wake your partner up. We will retrieve your boss, Light, and we'll discuss this with my superior."

"Thank you." Aizawa glanced at the ruined Lion King toy. "Do you mind? Because Matsuda can be a bit unstable sometimes..."

"_Reparo," _said Snape, generously fixing the lion (SO SYMBOLIC!11!1!1! AND IF YOU'RE NOT CLEVER ENOUGH TO GET IT JUST STOP READING THIS FIC RIGHT NOW, IN FACT JUST STOP READING AND FIND A SPACESHIP AND EXIT THE HARRY POTTER FANDOM IMMEDIATELY).

* * *

><p>"<em>Light!" <em>Misa gushed, glomping her fiancé the moment he stepped into their shared suite.

Light wrinkled his nose in distaste. Misa was wearing a pink lace teddy, high leather boots, and enough chunky metal jewellery to make Hells Angels jealous. If they hadn't already been wiped out by Kira, of course.

"What on earth are you wearing?" Light snapped, shrugging off Misa's arms.

The former model sulked. "Misa was just remembering her good old Gothic Lolita days," she said, pouting.

"You mean back when you had blue eyes instead of brown? Back when teenyboppers called you a slut even though you were the furthest thing from sexually promiscuous and the most loyal partner anyone could ever hope for? Back when I killed Rem and considered offing _you_?"

Misa blinked. "Misa had blue eyes?"

Ryuk floated through the doorway. "You've got company, Light. I think Matsuda and Aizawa sold you out."

"What?" Light seethed. "Those spineless bastards!"

"What's going on?" Misa asked, confused.

"Some human with magical powers is after Light because he saw him use magic," Ryuk explained, not even bothering to hide his wide grin. "_Hyuk, _interesting, isn't it? He even has a wand and potions and everything!"

"You mean a wizard?" Misa shouted excitedly. "Do you think he can make Misa a permanent blonde? Misa is tired of touching up her roots all the time!"

Light gritted his teeth. "Misa, kindly shut up. God, your third-person self-referring voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I need to think."

"Misa loves it when you use metaphors," Misa cooed.

"That was a simile, you blubbering twit."

"Ehhh? Misa is not a twit!"

Light was going to bitchslap Misa when he remembered Misa liked rough kinky foreplay. A firm knock came at the door. He stiffened and gave Misa a shove.

"Go check who it is," Light whispered to Misa.

Misa bounded obediently to the door and peered through the peep hole.

"It's them! But who's the chick? Where's the wizard?" Misa squinted. "That's strange. Misa can't see her name, just a lifespan!"

Light spun toward Ryuk. "Why's that?"

"Beats me," the Shinigami said, grinning.

"_Light, open up! It's us, there's something we need to talk about!"_

Light clenched his fist. He was cornered. There was no way out of the hotel room, except...

Light froze. Another dreadful thought had suddenly occurred to him. What if the witch somehow ended up using her magical powers to expose Light as Kira? Beads of sweat prickled on Light's forehead. Everything he had built – it could all come undone this very day, even in the next five minutes, if he wasn't careful...

"Ryuk, get me out of here!" Light shouted, losing his head completely and pouncing onto the Shinigami's backside.

"Like hell I am," Ryuk growled, vanishing into thin air. Light dropped to the floor and curled into a fetal position. He couldn't let his memories get wiped, he couldn't!

One thing was certain. Light sat up. He now had another enemy to eliminate. He took a deep breath and straightened his tie.

_Bring it on._

* * *

><p>Snape was waiting for Light to answer the door when he began to feel strange, as though he was suddenly too large for his skin. He ran his fingers through Lily's famous red locks. They were starting to shrivel up and darken.<p>

"Don't be alarmed," Snape warned the two Japanese cops next to him. "I'm about to return to my original state, as I explained on our way here."

_Pop! Pop! Creeeeeak! _Snape's limbs groaned as they lengthened. He quickly Transfigured his maid's outfit back into wizarding robes. Matsuda's eyes bulged.

"YOU! YOU'RE THE GUY FROM LONDON," Matsuda whisper-shouted.

"No shit, Sherlock," Aizawa snarled.

Matsuda looked contrite.

Snape touched his face. Oily skin, hook nose, thin lips. Yes, he was back.

"Ew…I much prefer the disguise," Matsuda commented.

"Matsuda…!"

Snape smiled thinly. "No worries. So do I."

The door swung open to reveal a petite woman adorned with chains. Ah, so this was Misa Amane. Her brown eyes widened with shock when she took in the sight of the now-transformed wizard. She closed the door, and then opened it again.

"No way! You were a girl just ten seconds ago! Matsui, what's going on?"

Matsuda goggled at Misa's racy get-up and blushed furiously. "We n-need to speak to Light-kun," he stammered. "Can we come in?"

Just then, the devil himself appeared. "Sure, come on in," the young Japanese man said, smooth as Butterbeer. Snape fought to remain expressionless. Just like the first time, he was receiving some strange vibes from this Light Yagami. His gut instinct told him that this was a person not to be trusted. But then again, he was a Muggle. Muggles couldn't be trusted, period.

Snape cast a sideways glance at Matsuda. Especially not deceivingly harmless ones.

* * *

><p>Five minutes later, Snape, Aizawa, Matsuda, Light, and Misa were all sitting around the coffee table, eyeing each other suspiciously. Misa had set out some iced tea, which Snape had to discreetly sniff to ensure it wasn't poisoned.<p>

"Alright," Light finally said, "let me get this straight. You want to bring us to Hogwarts to be evaluated by your boss, an all-powerful wizard who oversees a school of a thousand young witches and wizards, and see whether or not we need to have our memories wiped for the sake of your world's International Statue of Wizarding Secrecy?"

"Well, he's not all-powerful," said Snape, "but you are correct."

"Can he make me a permanent blonde?" Misa wondered.

"Misa, every time you open your mouth, a baby unicorn dies," Light snarled.

Misa looked confused. "But unicorns don't exist?"

Snape's lip curled before he could stop himself. Light raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I wouldn't say that." Light suddenly looked more animated. He was practically glowing with glee.

Damn it to hell. How was it that Severus Snape had been able to deceive the worst Dark wizard of all time? He had to more careful around this Muggle. He was too observant, and observant people were particularly dangerous…

Somewhere behind him, Snape heard the unmistakable rustle of wings and an accompanying cackle of laughter. He stiffened.

_Ryuk! _In all the excitement, Snape had assumed the Shinigami went back to Hollywood Boulevard. So what was Ryuk doing here in Light and Misa's hotel room? According to _Fantastic Creatures and Where to Find Them, _weren't Shinigami supposed to stay at the side of whomever had possession of their Death N –

_Oh. _

Merlin's beard, Severus Snape was having tea with Kira.


	9. Through Hogsmeade and Into Hogwarts

**A/N: **To **paili-chan**, who asked me why Matsuda's gunshots didn't wake up the Obliviated Task Force members. The main answer is that they were knocked unconscious when they fell, so no amount of noise can rouse them. The secondary answer is that this is a crackfic and I, the author, needed a convenient way to get rid of irrelevant characters :P

However, a better question would've been: "Why were the **_hotel staff_** not alerted to the commotion?" and my answer to that would've been that they were all having a gigantic orgy in the hotel laundry chute.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own a thing!

* * *

><p><strong>Through Hogsmeade and Into Hogwarts<strong>

* * *

><p>"How, may I ask, are we getting to this <em>Hogwarts<em>?" Aizawa inquired of the wizard.

"We're App – teleporting," Snape replied. "Now, pair up and don't let go."

With that, Snape's fingers closed around Light's wrist and Matsuda's bicep – they were the two wild cards of the group, Kira and the village idiot. Misa immediately clung onto Light's other hand before someone else could claim it and Aizawa looped his arm through Matsuda's.

"Is it going to hurt?" Matsuda asked anxiously.

"Depends on your," Snape paused with relish, "_threshold_ of pain."

All except Snape yelled in shock as the hotel room instantly dissipated into a vortex of all-consuming darkness. They spun and spun until their bellybuttons tingled, signalling their landing.

_Thud. _They had landed on a soft patch of grass.

"Welcome," Snape said with a hint of pride, "to Hogsmeade."

Matsuda, who was closing his eyes the entire time, finally opened them. His jaw dropped and he began clapping like a retarded seal.

"MAMA, MAMA!" he cried, suddenly sporting a boner that was as long as a Subway sandwich.

Everyone followed his gaze: Misa's pink lace teddy had ridden up during the Apparition, and her boobs were bouncing around like a pair of swollen albino eyeballs.

"PERVERTS!" Misa shrieked, tugging it down. "Only Light is allowed to look."

"Not that I ever do," Light mumbled, eyeing the delicious bulge in Matsuda's pants.

Aizawa groaned and rubbed his temples. "I've got the world's WORST migraine."

"Follow me," Snape said curtly, striding down the pebbled street.

The four Muggles trailed behind dutifully, albeit slowly. There were several delighted and astonished gasps along the way; they passed The Three Broomsticks, where the heady smell of mead wafted out the door, as well as Honeydukes – which, according to the signs, was having a back-to-school sale on Sugar Quills.

Light was silent, but his face was twisted into an intense expression of fascination and greed as he drank in the sight of the wizarding village. Several villagers were roaming around in their lengthy robes, gossiping loudly.

"Did you hear what happened up at the school last night? Some students flew a Muggle car right into the Whomping Willow! It's in the Daily Prophet!"

"A _Muggle _car? Blimey! I hope those gits got expelled."

Snape sighed. If only that had been the case.

"No no, you've got it all wrong, I heard that it was that Armando Dippet who did it. They even confiscated his broomstick!"

"The poor thing's in slings right now, Professor Sprout had to…"

Zonko's Joke Shop was looming ahead. _Uh-oh. _Snape had half a mind to take a detour when Matsuda quickly darted forward.

"Excellent!" Matsuda shouted. "I'm running low on fake banana peels."

"Hey, come back here!"

Aizawa made a swipe for Matsuda, but the doofus detective deftly dodged (I deserve ALL the alliteration awards, AMIRITE?) his outstretched arm and disappeared into Zonko's, whispering to himself, _"Because… yolo."_

* * *

><p>The shop looked much smaller on the outside. The interior was filled with shelves of colourful boxes and bizarre toys and innumerable <em>things<em> that no Muggle could dream up of or be bothered to write a better description of due to extreme laziness.

Matsuda craned his neck to look for the shopkeeper, hoping to get some kind of tour, but the portly wizard was currently occupied with a group of teenagers at the back of the store. Matsuda shrugged and rubbed his hands gleefully.

"Oh wow!" Matsuda said in awe, inspecting a bottle of Vanishing Ink. He read the price tag. "A _Sickle_ per bottle?" The overexcited man whirled around and started pawing through a bin of Dungbombs, and then eagerly moved onto the crates of Dr. Filibuster's Fabulous Wet-Start, No-Heat Fireworks. "Oh wow, oh wow!"

"See something you like?" Snape appeared at his elbow, looking incredibly displeased.

Matsuda just about fainted with happiness. "Yes," Matsuda said breathlessly, obviously unable to discern the smouldering rage in Snape's eyes. "Are you offering to buy? With what I presume to be wizarding currency?"

"NO," Snape snapped, dragging Matsuda out of the shop by his ear.

Matsuda was about to protest that he was still holding onto unpaid merchandise when they crossed the threshold without setting off any alarms. Matsuda's heart dropped. He was officially a shoplifter! A criminal! Kira was going to find out and strike him down!

But on second thought…

Matsuda shoved the Vanishing Ink and Dungbombs into his pockets. He might as well be reimbursed for his grief at being teleported halfway around the world. And who knows? Perhaps they would come in handy someday.

(Was that foreshadowing, or am I bluffing? MWAHAHA.)

* * *

><p>Dumbledore was having a private gossip fest with the Sorting Hat – even the wisest men need confidantes – when there was a sharp rapping at the door. He didn't hear it, though.<p>

"And then Gilderoy was like, "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips," and Pomona was like, "Sod that shit, my curvy hips bring ALL the boys to the yard," and everyone was like, "DAYUMM GUURRRLLL!" and I thus choked on my eggs and sausages," Dumbledore thought cheerfully into the Hat.

"Ah, Gilderoy Lockhart," mused the Hat. "You should've heard half the things that were going on in the first year girls' heads last night."

"Naughty, naughty," Dumbledore chided the Hat. "You're not supposed to snoop!"

"It wasn't my fault, Dumbledore. More than half of them begged me to put them in Ravenclaw just because Lockhart was one himself. It was absolutely tedious." The Hat adopted a breathy, giggly voice. "_Oh, Hat, I'm witty and clever and eccentric. I like poetry but I don't like free verse because it's pretentious and boring. I'm very unique, so nobody understands me. I don't really belong anywhere but I know deep down in my heart that I belong in Ravenclaw, and no Sorting can change that. And oh by the way, it has nothing to do with me wanting to get into Gilderoy Lockhart's velvet trousers!"_

Dumbledore and the Sorting Hat shared a hearty laugh.

_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!_

"Seems like we have a visitor...or several," Dumbledore remarked, removing the Sorting Hat from his head and gently placing it on his desk. "Come in, Severus!"

The oaken double doors swung open, and Severus Snape and a group of Muggles entered his office. Dumbledore could tell by the blonde woman's disheveled hair and all four of their sickly complexions that they had just recently experienced Side-Along Apparition.

"Albus..." Snape began.

There was a sudden outburst of chatter from the Headmaster portraits, like excited monkeys in a rainforest.

"Muggles, in Hogwarts? In this very office? OUTRAGEOUS!" Phineas Black squealed angrily.

"Clearly there is a reasonable explanation," Dexter Fortescue retorted, peering down curiously at the visitors. "Travellers from a distant land, fancy that!"

"Ooh, look at you with your politically correct way of saying _ASIAN INVASION_, Fortescue!"

Dumbledore quickly cast a Freezing Charm on Black's portrait, which restrained the painted figure from running off to spread the word to the rest of the castle. The other Headmasters immediately quieted down, and resumed their pretenses of sleeping.

"Did any of the students see you?"

"No," Snape answered briskly. "They're all in their classes, but as an extra precaution, I used a Disillusionment Charm on them on the way in."

"So, what exactly is this, Severus? Bring a Muggle to Work Day?" Dumbledore asked calmly. However, he turned to the Muggles, who were fidgeting nervously and openly gaping at the wondrous sights around them, and smiled broadly. "Welcome! Unfortunately, you've just missed breakfast. But I can boil some tea, if you'd like."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **For the record, I'm not actually a fan of the "yolo" movement because everywhere I look, people are doing it wrong.

If anyone's interested in what else I do in my spare time, look for my tumblr link on my profile. ESPECIALLY if you're into erratic fangirling, occasional musings, personal rants, and just plain old STUFF ^_^

Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful Easter!


	10. Light on the Loose

**A/N: **I'm so unhealthily obsessed with The Avengers right now, hence the delayed update. I'm so sorry! On top of that and school, my massive crush on Tom Hiddleston is taking over my life. HEEELP.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own squat :(

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 10: Light on the Loose<strong>

* * *

><p>Dumbledore studied the Muggles over steepled fingers. Snape and Aizawa had just finished bringing him up to speed. Now the Hogwarts Headmaster was pondering their fate.<p>

"You must understand that whatever I decide will be for the greater good," said Dumbledore.

Light returned Dumbledore's piercing gaze with one of his own.

"We're not telling anybody about the wizarding world," Light stated firmly with that douche-like air of expectancy of being listened to or obeyed. "So we don't need to be _Obliviated_. This isn't a matter of erring on the side of caution – this is a matter of human rights! I will not stand for mind rape!"

"Are you accusing Albus Dumbledore of being a RAPIST?" the portrait of Florean Fortescue cried in outrage, along with several others.

"I call it like I see it," Light said coolly.

"I'm sure you do, Kira," Snape mumbled. Dumbledore shot him a shrewd glance.

Light stiffened. "What did you just...? What did Matsuda tell you?"

"Hey! Why are you always blaming me?"

"Light, calm down. We didn't tell him anything about our investigation," Aizawa assured the younger Muggle.

"Misa is hungry," Misa announced.

"Here, have some Pink Coconut Ice," Dumbledore offered, pushing the candy tray across his desk.

"Ooh, pretty," Misa said, taking a piece. However, Light smacked it out of her hand.

"_BAKA_, haven't you read Chronicles of Narnia?" Light shouted.

"Misa doesn't read!" Matsuda defended the blonde.

Snape coughed loudly. "In any case, there will be no harmful side effects of being selectively Obliviated. Your mind will just supply the missing gaps with self-generated memories, and you'll be off on your merry way. Why are we still discussing this, anyway? Since when have we cared about the morality of Memory Charms? Hold still, it'll be quick and painless." With that, Snape rolled up his sleeves and drew his wand.

Light blanched and quickly backed away.

"NEVER! I am the God of the New World, and I will kill ANYONE who gets in my way!" Light shrieked, and he hightailed it out of Dumbledore's office before either of the wizards could utter a jinx to stop him.

Dumbledore was on his feet in a flash. "Severus! He must not come into contact with any of the students, or the Ministry will have our heads."

"Near was right," Aizawa gasped.

"So Light really _is_ Kira," Matsuda moaned, sinking to the floor.

"Does he have a Death Note on him?" Snape demanded.

"No idea," Aizawa replied anxiously. "As far as we know, Mello and the Mafia have one of the notebooks, and Kira has another, but..." He glanced at Misa, who looked like a deer caught in headlights. "If Light is Kira, that must mean Misa is the Second Kira!"

"Am not," Misa squeaked.

Dumbledore made a split decision.

"_Somnus!"_

Misa crumpled to the ground, snoring gently.

"I'll watch over her," Dumbledore declared. "Severus, please track down the other Muggle and when you find him... bring him to me."

* * *

><p>Light ran and ran, dashing down the moving staircases. The first time they changed he nearly toppled over the railing. What kind of genius came up with THAT idea? It was not clever; it was a SAFETY HAZARD. (Rowena Ravenclaw, I'm looking at you.)<p>

Anyway, the corridors were huge; he couldn't risk being seen by students or staff or any sort of surveillance measure. He needed a place to hide in order to properly collect his thoughts, a place where nobody would think of looking for the God of the New World.

_Aha! _He spotted a bathroom and ducked inside. Thankfully, it was empty. He made his way to a stall, pausing only to stare at the large ring of sinks situated at the centre of the room. He had never seen anything like it. Very tasteful.

"Alright, time to scheme," Light muttered to himself, locking the stall door.

A loud giggle pierced the air.

"What the – "

Light sucked in his breath. He suddenly felt as though he had just been doused in a bucket of ice-cold water, without the actual moisture. If he had arm hair like a proper grown ass man, it would've been standing on end.

"You're _cute_."

Light bit back a scream. The voice was speaking right into his ear, but there was nobody there!

"Show yourself," Light hissed.

"You would like that, wouldn't you," the girlish voice purred. "What are you in this bathroom for? Everyone knows better than to come here. These are MY toilets."

"What do you mean, _your _toilets?"

"I haunt them," said the voice sorrowfully.

Light clutched his chest; his heart was hammering so fast. Ghosts existed? But what about all the stuff Ryuk said about Mu and there not being an afterlife?

"Ryuk," he whispered. "Ryuk, where are you? I'm shitting my pants here!"

Ryuk appeared above him, perched on the stall wall. "Then shit away, that's what bathrooms are for. Hyuk hyuk!"

The invisible entity gasped in surprise. "Who are you?"

A bluish, semi-transparent figure of a girl popped into view. She looked like a nerd. Light relaxed slightly. Nerds were harmless. It was the vampiric schoolgirl/Grudge/Ring types that you had to watch out for.

"I'm Ryuk. I'm a Shinigami," Ryuk introduced himself.

"Welcome to my toilet, Ryuk," the ghost gushed. "I'm Myrtle. Some people call me _Moaning _Myrtle, and if you're lucky..." Myrtle lowered her voice. "...one day you'll find out why."

Ryuk raised an eyebrow. "Is that supposed to be an innuendo? Because you totally look like a virgin."

"Looks can be deceiving. It's always the innocent ones," Myrtle cooed, rubbing up against the Shinigami.

"For Christ's sake. I have a question, Ryuk," Light interrupted.

"W-What...?" Ryuk couldn't take his eyes off of Moaning Myrtle, who was batting her eyelashes at him from behind her thick-rimmed, magnifying-glass-sized glasses that for some reason passed as "hipster" in today's fashion but would've gotten Myrtle egged and toilet-papered when she was still alive.

"I want to know if the notebook works on wizards." Light's wrist, which was adorned with the watch with the secret compartment, twitched rather conveniently to remind readers of the fact that at this point in time, he didn't actually have the notebook on him but he at least had a piece of it.

"Nah, it doesn't," Ryuk said, waving a clawed hand in exasperation. "There are magical contracts in place to keep the peace between our races. Each notebook is bound by Shinigami Law, regardless of who possesses it."

"Damn it!"

"Yeah, we can't see magical folk's names, only their lifespans. It's a shame too, since a lot of them live way past a hundred."

"There must be a way to eliminate them," Light mused out loud. "There must be."

Moaning Myrtle eyed Light with suspicion. "What are you talking about? What notebook?"

"Oh, just this thing..."

Just then, someone ran into the bathroom, sniffing loudly.

Light froze. He peered through the gaps in the bathroom stall and caught a flash of long, red hair. It was a young girl, and she was crying.

"Oh, it's her again," Myrtle muttered, rolling her eyes.

"Who is she?"

"I don't know, but she's always hiding out in here, writing in that diary of hers. She never seems to need a new page, it's awfully strange."

Light's curiosity was instantly piqued. He looked at Ryuk questioningly, but he only shrugged. Suddenly, the Shinigami stiffened.

_What is it? _Light mouthed.

"That girl's notebook," Ryuk said, frowning deeply. "It's full of Dark Magic, I can sense it. It's setting my nerves on edge. It's extremely powerful."

Light perked up. _Powerful, hmm? Interesting. _

_VERY interesting._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yeah, sorry, awful cliffhanger, I know. But more is on its way! Hopefully it won't take so long again :P**


	11. Possession

**A/N: **Holy crap, it's been almost three months since I've updated this fic. Sorry, sorry, sorry! I just finished my third year of university, so life's been pretty hectic.

Oh, and just a note - I'm not usually a fan of bolding words in a story because it looks weird, but this chapter will be the only exception because of Tom Riddle's diary.

**Disclaimer: **This is just a fan fic!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 11: Possession<strong>

* * *

><p><strong><em>Dear Tom,<em>**

**_Today I asked Ron if I could sit with him and Harry for breakfast. Ron told me to shove off. He is a terrible brother. Tom, I wish you were my brother instead. _**

**_Love, Ginny._**

The words sank into the page and disappeared. Ginny sighed as she waited for Tom's response. He was such a good listener. If only he could be real!

**_Ginevra – _**

**_That was mean of your brother. Who is this Harry that you keep mentioning, by the way? Just curious. I can tell that you like him very – _**

"What's wrong, Miss?"

Ginny glanced up in alarm as a shadow swept across her. It was a boy! And a handsome one, at that. He looked like he had just stepped out of a Muggle fashion magazine or one of those Asian sex comic books that she found lying around the Gryffindor girl dormitory.

"Uh," Ginny stammered, slamming her diary shut. "Nothing, I'm j-just writing..."

Light smiled pleasantly down at the redheaded girl. He _had _to get his hands on that book. If it was full of Dark Magic, as Ryuk claimed, then perhaps it would hold the power to help him get rid of Dumbledore, Snape, and the Japanese Task Force.

Ginny stood up, regaining some of her senses. "Why are you in the girl's bathroom?" she asked suspiciously, backing away from the young man.

"I'm hiding."

"Why?"

"I'm hiding from one of your teachers. Professor Snape, do you know him?"

Ginny's eyes widened. "Yes! Are you in trouble?"

"Kind of. Say, that's a really interesting object you've got there. Why does the ink disappear and reappear when you write in it?"

Ginny clutched her diary tighter. "Um... it gives me advice." No way was she going to tell this stranger that the diary was literally her best friend.

"Oh? Can I give it a try, please? I'll give it back to you, I promise."

Ginny hesitated. Well, anybody who didn't like Professor Snape was fine in her books... She handed over the diary and her quill pen, hoping that Tom's response to her had already faded out. Still, she moved a bit towards the doorway and braced herself to block it in case the boy tried to make a run for it.

"I'm Ginny," she said nervously.

"I'm Light," Light responded, opening the diary with barely restrained glee. That had been easier than taking candy from a baby.

"You should tell him that," Ginny suggested, pointing at the blank pages. "Go on. He's very kind and smart."

"He?"

"Tom Riddle. That's what the diary calls itself."

_Stupid girl, _Light thought incredulously. Anybody with half a brain should be able to recognize that something sentient like this diary was a questionable object.

_**My name is Light Yagami**, _Light quickly wrote. **_I want to kill a couple of wizards. Their names are Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape. How should I proceed? _**He flashed Ginny an innocent smile, who was watching him curiously.

"What did you ask him?" Ginny inquired.

Before Light could reply, new words appeared on the pages, as though they had been excitedly scrawled.

**_GET RID OF THE GIRL._**

**_AND TAKE HER WAND._**

* * *

><p>Snape tore out of Dumbledore's office, Matsuda and Aizawa hot on his heels.<p>

"How are we going to find him?" Matsuda said anxiously. "This place is huge!"

"I have a plan," Snape said shortly, his robes billowing behind him and whacking Aizawa in the face. "First, we have to find somewhere that would limit the number of witnesses."

Aizawa caught up to Snape. "Is there such a place?"

"Yes. The Quidditch pitch is empty during the daytime. We'll head down there."

Unfortunately, a couple of other people had gotten the same idea. When Snape, Aizawa, and Matsuda arrived at the Quidditch pitch, they saw a boy and a girl making out in the stands – a redheaded Gryffindor and a curly-haired Ravenclaw.

"WEASLEY!" Snape snapped. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"YEAH! YOU'RE, LIKE, EATING HER FACE. USE LESS TONGUE," Matsuda hollered.

Percy Weasley's head whipped around, his glasses askew and his red face wearing a guilty and terrified expression. "P-Professor!" Then he spotted the Muggles. "Professor Snape, what are they doing here?"

"They're here as my guests. Now, unless you want me to take some points off both your Houses..." Snape said in a menacing tone.

Percy and his girlfriend were off like a shot. Satisfied, Snape strolled through the seats, determined to catch other frolicking couples in hiding. _"Homenum Revelio!" _ Thus began Snape's addiction to cock-blocking, an activity surpassed only by Harry Potter himself.

* * *

><p>Light lifted his gaze from the diary that had just commanded him to attack Ginny. He eyed Ginny and licked his lips.<p>

_Take her wand? _His mind raced with all the exciting possibilities. Would he actually be able to wield a wand?

"Light– ?" Ginny began uncertainly. She let out a squeak when she saw that Light's eyes had taken on a suspicious red glint. She drew her wand.

"Give me back my diary!" Ginny shouted.

"You wish," Light hissed, clobbering Ginny over the head with the book. Myrtle let out a ghastly shriek and dove into the nearest toilet, heartbroken that her new love's best friend was clearly a violent psycho. Ginny collapsed to the floor, and Light pounced on her, wrenching the wooden stick from her fingers. He smirked in triumph. Indeed, Kira was not above hitting little girls for the greater good!

Light flipped open to a random page and wrote with the quill pen, "_**The deed is done. How do I use the wand?**"_

A few seconds passed, then...

**_You don't._**

Suddenly, Light's vision grew dark and hazy. He gasped, dropping the diary and quill to clutch at his eyes. It was as though ink was spreading through his corneas.

"Ryuk, help me!" Light cried. Or at least, that's what he would've said if it weren't for the fact that his brain was no longer in control of his mouth.

A silky, imperious male voice echoed through Light's mind. "Ah," it said, amused, "You're a Muggle. However, I must admit that this new body suits me much better than that weak wench. I'll have to make do until I can feed off your soul enough to make a new body."

_Tom Riddle! _Light thought furiously. _It has to be!_

"Correct," Tom Riddle replied, inspecting Light's soft, slender hands with interest. "Fascinating. I can sense traces of Dark Magic lingering on your body, but what...?"

"Light?" Ryuk asked, cluelessly staring down at the possessed man. "What's wrong with you?"

Tom Riddle forced Light's mouth to move. "Nothing." He bent down to recover the dropped diary and quill. Light felt utterly powerless. Was this how his victims felt whenever he controlled their actions with the Death Note? If so...well, then that sucked balls.

"A Shinigami? How odd." Tom Riddle sifted through Light's memories. Light helplessly watched as snippets of his life flashed before his eyes. L, Misa, Mello, Snape, Dumbledore...

"Dumbledore!" Tom murmured, retracting his mental probe. "That's right. You're trying to kill him. Well, it'd be my pleasure...and everyone would be none the wiser." He strolled over to the group of sinks in the middle of the bathroom and quickly located a tiny snake engraved on one of the sink's taps. Light/Tom grinned at the mirror, flashing pearly whites that would've made Gilderoy Lockhart howl with envy and despair.

"_Open."_

* * *

><p>At that exact moment, Snape raised his wand, hoping that his strategy would pay off.<p>

"_Accio_ Light Yagami!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **In all seriousness, Snape only cock-blocks ONCE in _Goblet of Fire_ and somehow becomes a meme. God bless the Internet.

Thanks for staying with this fic, you guys! Especially with all my irritating cliffhangers. The fic is actually coming to an end soon. Luckily, the next chapter should be up within the next week or so, since I have a lot of spare time at the moment. Well, ciao for now :D


	12. Something in the Pipes

**A/N: **According to the Harry Potter Wiki, the Basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets movie is a female. Males are distinguished by red plumes on their heads.

**Disclaimer: **This is just a fan fic!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12: Something in the Pipes<strong>

* * *

><p>TomLight's body suddenly gave a violent jerk and flew out the nearest window. Glass fragments exploded everywhere. One lodged itself in Ryuk's eye before he had the chance to unsolidify himself.

"My eye," Ryuk screamed, falling down the gaping hole in the bathroom floor.

That was how the Shinigami ended up in the Chamber of Secrets. Of course, Ryuk didn't know that at the time; he merely thought he had fallen into some nasty underground sewage tunnel and had decided to explore a bit more. To his surprise, there was a corridor that led to a metal door engraved with snakes.

Ryuk floated right through the door. "The perks of being a Shinigami," Ryuk said, grinning.

He continued to explore. The room was immense. Statues of snake heads lined the stone pathway like soldiers at attention. At the end of the chamber was a giant statue of a wizard, his long, thin beard flowing down and out onto the floor. He looked very much like a malicious ape with a unibrow.

Ryuk stared at the ugly-ass monument. There was something _stirring _inside of it. Something alive, large, and scaly, from the sounds of it.

"_The Heir of Slytherin?" _hissed a sultry, female voice from within the wizard statue.

Ryuk's auto-translating brain kicked into high gear, recognizing the language as Parseltongue. A snake? But what kind of snake would be that large? Ryuk's feathers stood on end.

"No. Shinigami," Ryuk replied nervously in Parseltongue.

There was a pause. "A God of Death? Really?"

"Yup. The name's Ryuk."

"Where's the Heir of Slytherin?"

"Ehh, who's that?"

There was an agitated rattling of scales. "The descendent of Salazar Slytherin who's supposed to enter my lair and set me free to purge the school of Muggle-born students, as Salazar Slytherin so dearly wished!" the mysteriously large snake declared.

A descendent? Eww, someone had MATED with Salazar Slytherin? They must have done it with the lights off. Ryuk gulped. "Sorry, I don't know who or where this heir is."

"Well, why are _you_ here?" the snake inside Salazar Slytherin's statue snapped. (More alliteration, ftw.)

Ryuk blushed. "I fell in."

"Only Slytherin's heir can access the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets! How were you able to FALL in?"

Ryuk frowned thoughtfully, recalling how Light had hissed weirdly at the bathroom sink tap before flying out the window. He had been speaking in Parseltongue! Was Light Yagami...?

Completely forgetting that Light was a) no wizard, and b) was one-hundred percent Japanese, Ryuk yelped, "Oh my Kira!" He was prepared to fly off to find his human charge when the snake spoke again.

"Wait, don't go!"

Ryuk froze mid-air. "What?"

"I'm _so _lonely, Ryuk," the snake said sweetly. "Won't you stay a bit longer? We can have some fun."

Ryuk was kind of flattered. First, Moaning Myrtle, and now, this? "Sorry, you're not my type."

"And what is your type?"

"Um, not snakes?"

"Oh, but I'm no ordinary snake," the creature said seductively. "I'm a Basilisk. I'm HUGE_..._"

* * *

><p><em>WHOMP!<em>

Light Yagami crashed onto the Quidditch pitch, rolling to an undignified stop at Snape's feet.

"Ha!" Matsuda shouted, jumping on the younger man and handcuffing him. "You thought you could escape from us, Kira? Well, you thought wr –"

"_AVADA KEDAVRA_!" A jet of green light immediately blasted from Light's cuffed hands.

"He has a wand!" Matsuda exclaimed, dodging the spell.

Aizawa lunged for the wand. Light, who didn't have time to utter another curse, merely used it to stab Aizawa in the eye.

"OUCH!" Aizawa bellowed.

"_Alohomora!" _ Light's handcuffs clicked open and he tossed them aside.

Snape was horrified. Light Yagami was a Muggle! How had he gotten hold of the Killing Curse, and more importantly, how was the hell was he able to wield a wand? Without further delay, Snape brandished his own wand and pointed it at Light.

"_STUPEFY!"_

Light merely gave a flick of his wand, deflecting the Stunning Spell. He smirked at Snape, eyeing the high-quality teachers' robes he sported.

"You must be a Head of House," Light said silkily. "Which one? Please don't say Gryffindor."

Snape stayed silent. What was going on? How could Light duel so well? How did he know about the Houses?

"TELL ME!" Light screamed.

"Slytherin," Snape forced out.

"And why exactly are you consorting with these Mudbloods?"

Snape's brows furrowed. "Why do you care?" he said slowly.

"Because..." Light's eyes suddenly grew dull, and to everyone's shock, he collapsed to the ground.

"...I," continued a soft voice where Light had just been standing, "am the heir of Slytherin."

Snape, Matsuda, and Aizawa all watched in astonishment as a ghostly, handsome figure shimmered into view and bent down to retrieve Light's stolen wand. The boy had black, wavy hair and startlingly pale skin. He donned old-fashioned Hogwarts robes.

"My name is Tom Marvolo Riddle," the ghostly figure asserted, twirling the wand with his fingers. "I possessed this man and fed upon his soul long enough to regain enough form to wield magic on my own. Watch!"

Red and orange sparks flew into the air, arranging into three words – _Tom Marvolo Riddle. _Riddle waved the wand once more and the letters shifted around to spell:

_I AM LORD VOLDEMORT._

"Geez, how long did it take you to come up with that?" Aizawa remarked.

"No," Snape uttered. "Impossible. The Dark Lord is long gone, and way beyond your years."

Riddle's eyes flashed. "Silence. Lord Voldemort is my past, present, and future! I am the master of death! You shall obey me or suffer!"

Something told Snape that Riddle was telling the truth, which meant that they were all in almost twice as much danger as they had been in with Light. "But I've already obeyed you AND suffered," he said, thinking fast. "Look!" With that, Snape shoved his left sleeve up past his elbow, revealing the vivid red brand of the Dark Mark.

"And what is that supposed to be?" Riddle asked, unimpressed. "It looks a skull performing lewd acts upon a serpent."

"It's your mark, my Lord," Snape replied, bowing deeply. "You designed it yourself. All of your followers, us Death Eaters, bear it."

Riddle stared, now intrigued. "Interesting. I'm actually in the middle of some designs, but a _skull _is sufficiently hardcore, I must admit_ –" _

"Traitor!" Aizawa cried.

Snape shot a pair of Stunning Spells at Aizawa and Matsuda, who dropped like stones. Putting them out of action was the only way to keep them safe.

"So," Riddle said casually, "I hear that Albus Dumbledore still works here at Hogwarts."

Snape had no choice. He knew that the Dark Lord had looked into Light Yagami's mind. "He's Headmaster. He's up in his office right now."

Riddle's lips curved up. "A long way to fall, then. We shall pay him a visit."

"But what about these Muggles, my Lord?" Snape asked, gesturing to the three unconscious Task Force members. He couldn't leave them alone, especially not Kira. "Shall we bring them along, for leverage?"

Riddle nodded. "_Mobilicorpus_! But first, I must pay a visit to another friend of mine."

* * *

><p>Hermione Granger sharply glanced up from her Potions essay.<p>

"What was that?"

"What was what?" Ron said lazily from his plush red armchair where he was counting the number of freckles on his face. He was rather fond of them. He couldn't imagine a world where he had no freckles. It would be as ridiculous as Harry having blue eyes instead of green, and Hermione having sexy beach waves instead of wild bushy curls.

"Can't you feel it? The castle's shaking," Hermione said, staring at the floor.

"I feel it too," Harry agreed, alarmed.

"Earthquake?" Ron suggested.

Hermione opened her mouth, presumably to launch into an explanation of how the four founders of Hogwarts had taken natural disasters into precaution and enchanted the castle's foundations, when Harry clamped his hands to his ears, turning redder than the Hogwarts Express.

"It's not the ground, it's the plumbing inside the walls," Harry said, grimacing.

"But why are you blushing?" Hermione pointed out.

"A-Am I? No, it's just h-hot in here," Harry stuttered, trying very hard but failing to block out the moans and groans of "OH, RYUK!" and "OHHH, MISS BASILISK, YOU WEREN'T LYING WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE HUGE!" that emanated from the walls.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **LULZ, Shinigami and Basilisk sex. Yes, I went there.


	13. Snakes and Chickens

**A/N: **Happy New Year, everyone! I'm so sorry for the very late update. I've been incredibly busy with school, and I just finished a short Inception fan fic (it doubled as an extra credit assignment), if anyone's interested :)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own either work.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 13: Snakes and Chickens<strong>

* * *

><p>When Snape and Tom Riddle arrived at Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, they both skidded to a stop. Ginny Weasley's unconscious body was still sprawled across the floor, but that wasn't their main concern. Noxious-looking greenish purple fumes were pouring out of a gaping hole where the sinks were supposed to be. Snape's very large and thus very sensitive nose twitched. He was normally good at identifying smells, but this stench was foreign to him...<p>

"Something reeks of copulation," Riddle said disdainfully. He peered down the hole. "My friend appears to have made another friend."

"Your friend?" Snape muttered, his mind whirling as he connected the dots. Tom Riddle had been the one to accuse Rubeus Hagrid of opening the Chamber of Secrets fifty years ago. Clearly, Hagrid had not been guilty as charged. Riddle, or Voldemort, had admitted to being the true Heir of Slytherin just moments ago, so this hole in the bathroom was no doubt the entrance to Slytherin's hidden lair, where Slytherin's monster was hidden. "You don't mean Slytherin's monster, do you?"

Riddle smirked. "I do."

He needed to warn Dumbledore. But how?

"Ah. I am impressed, my Lord." Snape frowned. "What is it? And who is the other?"

As if in response to Snape's question, a strange rumbling sound filled the air. The entire bathroom shook, causing the stalls and their toilets to rattle and splash their contents wildly. Finally, to both Snape and Riddle's astonishment, Ryuk emerged from the massive hole in the floor, his lilac skin tinted pink and his spiky hair mussed and ruffled.

"_I just had seeex, and it feeelt so good_ –"

A horrible wail interrupted the Shinigami's post-coitus bliss.

"Ryuk, how dare you!" Moaning Myrtle shrieked, aquamarine with jealousy. "I welcomed you to my toilet, and this is how you repay me?"

Riddle was enthralled by the Shinigami's sudden appearance. "You're the Shinigami from the Muggle's memories," Riddle breathed, turning his back on Snape to gaze at the Japanese death god. "You have mated with the Basilisk?"

Ryuk scratched his head. "Who are you?"

Snape took this opportunity to summon a Patronus. "_Expecto Patronum – Tom Riddle is with me in Myrtle's bathroom, and he's just mentioned a Basilisk," _Snape hissed, brandishing the glowing doe out the bathroom's broken window. Fortunately, the Patronus was able to blend in with the sunlight. However, Snape's dramatic arm motions did not go unnoticed.

"What are you doing?" Riddle asked suspiciously.

"There was a fly, my Lord," Snape improvised. "I guess you could say it was..." Snape whipped out a pair of sunglasses from within his robes and put them on. "..._bugging _me."

Just kidding, that last part didn't happen.

"I see," said Riddle, returning his attention to Ryuk, who was trying to block Myrtle from entering the Chamber, with which the Shinigami had little luck seeing as she was a ghost.

"I want to see who you_ – EEEK!" _

Moaning Myrtle froze in mid-air, the edges of her luminescent body turning black and sizzling like the potions of Snape's most incompetent students.

Snape instantly threw an arm over his eyes. Even Riddle had to take a step back, furiously making spitting noises with his mouth.

Ryuk purred gratefully at the creature waiting just a few feet from the entrance of the Chamber.

"Now, I'll ask again. Who are you?" the Shinigami demanded. Ryuk glanced behind them, where the three unconscious Task Force members – Light, Matsuda, and Aizawa – were tied together with ropes and floating like a trio of balloons. "And why do you have my human tied up?"

"_I _am the Heir of Slytherin," Riddle said coldly. "And I used your silly Muggle to regain a solid form. Needless to say, he didn't put up much of a fight."

Ryuk let out a gasp of surprise. "Light's lifespan. It's gone down..."

"So?"

"His life was _mine, _and only mine, to take..."

Snape chanced a peek. His heart did a funny little leap.

The Shinigami's face had contorted into a giant mask of shadows, his yellow fangs gleaming. He looked like the epitome of all scary clowns.

"...so you'll pay, Tom Riddle."

* * *

><p>Dumbledore was reading a magazine article – "Braided Beards: The Season's Hottest Trend?" – when Snape's doe erupted through his window and landed on his desk.<p>

"_Tom Riddle is with me in Myrtle's bathroom," _said Snape's Patronus, "_and he's just mentioned a Basilisk."_

Dumbledore jumped to his feet. His mind deduced the situation as quick as lightning and he called Fawkes to his arm. He also grabbed the Sorting Hat from his shelf, because the delicate silver instruments were emitting hat-shaped smoke clouds, and they were never wrong.

"_Expecto Patronum – Hagrid, I will be borrowing your roosters for the next while. Do not panic. I will return them as soon as possible."_

Dumbledore's phoenix Patronus swooped across the room and vanished through the castle wall. Dumbledore masterfully Transfigured one of his glass windows into a massive spider-web, then uttered, "_Accio Hagrid's roosters!"_

A large flock of chickens came whizzing through the air, soaring over Hagrid's suspiciously large pumpkin patch and straight into the sticky spider-web hanging in Dumbledore's window. "Nice and neat," Dumbledore said with satisfaction as he floated the webbed net of squawking birds behind him.

From his perch on Dumbledore's arm, Fawkes gave his companion a chirp of disapproval. What would the environmental vegans and animal activists say?

"Oh pipe down," said Dumbledore. "At least I'm not charming goats and doing questionable things with them."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Yet another new development – Ryuk versus Riddle, and other showdowns, coming right up. As always, reviews are much appreciated.

Also, the "braided beards" thing was an affectionate nod to The Hobbit, which I saw just last weekend. It should be illegal for dwarves to be that attractive...


	14. How to Kill a Snake

**A/N: **Happy New Year! I've watched The Hobbit twice now. I'm going to miss well-earned holidays.

**Disclaimer: **This is just a fan fic.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 14: How to Kill a Snake<strong>

* * *

><p>After coming up with some excuse about Quidditch practice, Harry left his friends to investigate the source of the noises he had been hearing. He was running in the corridor under his Invisibility Cloak, ears pressed against the stone wall, when he collided with Professor Dumbledore. There was a sudden explosion of red-gold and brown feathers and extremely loud screeching.<p>

"Oh, sorry Professor!" Harry gasped, throwing off the Cloak. He jumped up and helped the Headmaster to his feet.

"No need to apologize, Harry, I was in a rush too." Dumbledore brushed himself off then called the large flame-coloured bird, which had flown away to safety, back to his arm.

Harry stared in awe. "Is that a phoenix?"

"His name is Fawkes," Dumbledore said, smiling.

"And...are those chickens?" Harry pointed at the wrapped bundle of chickens floating behind Dumbledore and Fawkes. "Are we having a feast?"

"Oh, no, a Basilisk is on the loose and I'm off to take care of it," Dumbledore said brightly before giving Harry a stern look. "Don't follow me if you know what's good for you."

"A Basilisk!" Harry recalled the name being shouted from within the castle walls: Miss Basilisk. "Professor, with all due respect, I am coming with you, because if you truly didn't want me to follow, you wouldn't have told me what you were doing, and you definitely wouldn't have told me not to follow, which would pique any adventurous twelve-year-old's interest. Therefore you actually _do_ want me to follow you."

"What! I would never manipulate you like that," exclaimed Dumbledore.

So Harry ended up following Dumbledore to the girl's bathroom on the second floor. To his amazement and horror – it was incredible how those two often coincided – Snape was there, as were three Japanese Muggles, a teenager dressed in old-fashioned Hogwarts robes, a gigantic jester-like monster, a motionless Ginny, and an extra-dead Moaning Myrtle. The sinks were gone, and instead there was a gaping hole emitting purple-green smoke.

"What's going on here?" Harry muttered from under the safety of his Invisibility Cloak. He promptly ran towards Ginny and checked her pulse. Thankfully, she was only unconscious.

"So, the Chamber of Secrets has been opened," Dumbledore murmured.

The teenager gave a start upon noticing the Headmaster. _"Dumbledore!"_

Dumbledore triumphantly presented to everyone the floating bundle of chickens. "Behold, Tom," Dumbledore shouted, "the power of cockerels!"

With that, the roosters emitted an ear-piercing chorus of crowing that caused the Basilisk within the entrance of the Chamber of Secrets to wail in pain. The foundations of the castle shook as the giant snake keeled over and died.

"No!" Tom shrieked.

"NO!" the floating jester monster echoed, disappearing into the Chamber.

The teen named Tom took advantage of the commotion by shooting a green jet at Dumbledore, who was saved when Fawkes sprung in front of the Headmaster and swallowed the curse. Harry threw himself flat against the floor and swiftly scooped up the pile of ashes and regenerating baby phoenix, shoving it into his pocket.

Snarling, Tom snatched Snape's wand away, and now armed with two wands, he shot twin green jets of light toward Dumbledore. Dumbledore bent backwards Neo/Matrix-style, and the curses harmlessly impacted against the bathroom wall.

"You're an old man," Tom seethed. "You shouldn't be that flexible!" He raised his wands again, but was interrupted when Ryuk re-appeared, holding a curved fang in each hand. He pointed one at Tom, and the other at Dumbledore. Tom staggered back, pointing a wand at each of his opponents.

"Get back, Shinigami Ryuk, my fight is not with you," Tom hissed.

"Oh yeah? You cost Light – and me – sixteen years. I'm just taking back what's mine," Ryuk cackled.

"Harry, give me your wand and get out of here!" Dumbledore whispered urgently in the vague direction of where Harry was standing.

"No, I won't abandon you," Harry declared, and he ripped off the Invisibility Cloak.

Snape recoiled. "Potter! What are you doing here?" Snape barked.

Before Tom or Ryuk could react to Harry's sudden appearance, the Sorting Hat gave a loud cough. A ruby-encrusted sword immediately shot out from underneath the hat's brim and Harry, surprised, caught it with his Quidditch-honed reflexes. The name _Godric Gryffindor _was engraved on the blade just beneath its hilt.

"Oh, hmm..." Harry said, perplexed. "Professor, I've never used a sword in my life. Here you go!" He gave it to Dumbledore, who quickly pointed it at Ryuk, while still focusing his wand on Tom.

"Severus, get Harry out of here," Dumbledore ordered.

"The Potter boy stays," Tom said, eyeing Harry hungrily. "I will finish him off after I am done with you two!"

"Clearly, Tom, you don't understand what a Mexican standoff is," Dumbledore said calmly.

"Well, I do, but this _isn't_ one!" At a speed unknown to mankind, Ryuk threw the Basilisk fangs at Tom and Dumbledore respectively. Dumbledore fell, while Tom clutched his chest in horror, ripping aside his robes to reveal the diary he had stored there for safekeeping.

"Damn it," Ryuk said, "it didn't go deep enough –"

"That's not what he said," Dumbledore croaked despite the fact he was possibly dying.

Tom's scream proved the Shinigami wrong. Everyone froze in astonishment as black, metallic-smelling liquid spurted from the pierced diary. Ink spewed from Tom's pores and the young wizard disappeared in a blinding flash of gold, leaving nothing but Ginny and Snape's wands and puddles of ink behind.

* * *

><p>A stunned and lethargic sort of silence fell upon the bathroom. A low groan broke the quiet; Light Yagami was stirring within his ropes. As he shifted, his elbows jabbed into Matsuda and Aizawa, who both awoke with simultaneous yelps.<p>

"Watch out, Headmaster, Snape's a traitor!" Aizawa yelled as soon as he analyzed the situation before him. "He's got a Death Eater tattoo!"

"Ew, Kira's touching me!" Matsuda squealed as he attempted to squirm out of the ropes away from Light.

Harry, alarmed by Aizawa's warning, leapt for Ginny and Snape's ink-soaked wands. But Snape only had eyes for Dumbledore, who was examining the fang embedded in his chest with great interest.

"Basilisk venom... interesting properties..."

"What the hell are you waiting for, Albus?" Snape demanded. "Get that thing out!"

"Again, that's not what he said," Dumbledore said dreamily from the floor. "Harry, would you mind handing over Fawkes now?"

Harry hurriedly took Fawkes out of his pocket and knelt down, placing the baby phoenix onto Dumbledore's chest. Ryuk, Snape, and Harry all watched in fascination as the bird dripped pearly tears onto Dumbledore's wounds.

"You can't kill me, Shinigami," said Dumbledore seconds later, majestically wrenching the fang from his healing chest, "and I suggest you don't try again, unless you want me to report you to the International Confederation of Wizards, who _will _escalate this to the Shinigami King himself."

"Bah, politics," said Ryuk, though he did look a little worried and more subdued.

Dumbledore walked over to the entrance of the Chamber and squinted through the purple-green smoke. "If I'm not mistaken, the Basilisk had laid some eggs. Three dozens, at least."

Ryuk's violet skin turned a delicate shade of green. "What?"

"Congratulations, Ryuk," Light sniggered, "you're a father!"

"I've had enough of your sass, Light Yagami," said Ryuk, pulling himself to his full height. He retrieved a slim black notebook and a skull-patterned pen from his belt, which caused Light's eyes to bulge in terror.

"Ryuk, no, please," Light begged, gasping harshly. "Not here, not like this."

"The jig is up, Kira. Everyone knows who you are. The fun is over."

"What's going on, Professor?" asked Harry. "Why are there Muggles here, in Hogwarts? And what is a Death Eater?"

Dumbledore brandished his wand. "_Expelliarmus!_"

The pen and notebook flew out of Ryuk's grasp. "Hey!"

Just then, Percy Weasley ran into the bathroom, fingering and stroking and pinching his Prefect's badge ever so sensually. "What in Merlin's beard is going on here?"

"Unfortunately, Mr. Weasley, it's _not _what it looks like," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "Now, run along, nobody likes you."

Percy ran away, sobbing into his knuckles.

"Alright, everyone else, in my office. NOW."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I actually like Percy, but I couldn't resist abusing him here.


	15. Emerald Ferocity

**A/N: **So basically I've started my last semester of university and the horizon of life is approaching and boy does it suck :(

**Disclaimer: **I don't own either work.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 15: Emerald Ferocity<strong>

* * *

><p>Ginny and Moaning Myrtle were taken to the hospital wing to be treated by Madam Promfrey. As per usual, she didn't ask what happened, which was convenient as it was irresponsible. She wasn't like a <em>regular<em> nurse, she was a _cool _nurse. Mean Girls fans, WHADDUP.

Misa Amane was still tied up and snoring when Snape and the others shuffled into Dumbledore's office. However, she wasn't alone.

"Peeves, please stop throwing owl turds at the Second Kira," Dumbledore asked politely.

The poltergeist blew a raspberry at the Headmaster. "They're not owl turds, they're Filch's turds," Peeves whined. "You're no fun, Dumbledore!"

"Actually, I would rather you do it somewhere else," Dumbledore said mildly, "such as the Slytherin common room, because Slytherins suck Gryffindor balls."

"If only," said Harry in a low voice, peering at Snape from under his dark eyelashes, his pupils dilated with lust. "If _only _Slytherins sucked Gryffindor balls."

Snape almost peed his robes. "Potter," he growled, "If you've been ingesting questionable substances, I will not hesitate to –"

Harry's expression cleared. "Er, sorry, I think I just got subjected to Snarry fan service. Anyway, what's going on here? Who are all these Muggles? Why must my life be filled with such danger and drama?"

Peeves was thunderstruck. "Dumbledore is actually giving me permission to wreak havoc? WEEEE!" And off he went, through Dumbledore's door spinning like a mini-tornado.

"Now, Harry, you may head back to the Gryffindor common room. Shouldn't you be doing homework or getting Miss Granger to do it or something?"

Harry gaped at Dumbledore. "So... you're not giving me any points for being loyal to you, pulling the sword out of the Hat, or rescuing Fawkes?"

"Bitch, Fawkes is immortal," said Dumbledore.

Harry spun on his heel and stormed out the office, slamming the door behind him.

"That boy is going to grow up with anger issues," Dumbledore sighed, shaking his head. He then proceeded to lift the sleeping spell from Misa. The young woman's eyes fluttered open, and her gaze landed on Light, whose wrists were also bound.

"No!" Misa immediately shouted. "Ryuk, do something! Help us!"

"Ryuk? Who's Ryuk?" Aizawa and Matsuda were confused. Dumbledore handed over Ryuk's notebook, and the two Japanese detectives gaped at the Shinigami, now visible to them.

"Oh geez," Aizawa groaned.

Matsuda whistled appreciatively. "Much more well-dressed than Rem, but scarier-looking, like a vampire on crack. A butterface, basically."

"Sorry Misa, I'm not going to lift a finger," Ryuk scoffed. "Unlike Rem, I actually have a brain, and like HELL am I going to sacrifice my beautiful purple ass for either of you."

"They're both mass murderers," Snape muttered to Dumbledore. "I say we hand them over to the Ministry to deal with."

"I am way ahead of you, Severus," said Dumbledore. "I'm offended you didn't think I'd already planned that myself. I'm basically the Supreme Master of Forward Thinking."

On cue, the flames in Dumbledore's fireplace blazed with an emerald ferocity. A quick Google search will tell you that the description "emerald ferocity" has never been used before. Perhaps it should be copyrighted, like what Drake is attempting to do with the whole "yolo" thing. Not cool, Canadian bro.

Two figures stepped out from the fireplace – John Dawlish and the Minister for Magic himself, Cornelius Fudge. They both bore grim expressions. Snape's blood ran cold, as though he had missed the bottom step of some stairs, or looked up "trypophobia" and its relevant images (don't do it. DON'T DO IT).

"Misa Amane and Light Yagami," Fudge declared, "you are being arrested for posing a threat to the wizarding community as well as assaulting Ginevra Weasley. Your Muggle crimes as Kira and the Second Kira will also be taken into consideration. Due to these special circumstances, Azkaban is a possibility."

Misa began to cry as Dawlish summoned pairs of magical handcuffs for both her and her fiancé. Light merely scowled, since he had already wasted his "God of the New World" monologue and he didn't want to drag things on like how the last fifty pages or so of the manga did.

"What's Azkaban?" Light spat out instead.

"It's a high-security wizarding prison, where Dementors stand guard," Snape responded with barely disguised relish.

"And what are Dementors?" Light asked over his shoulder as he and Misa were pushed towards the green fire.

"The worst fate a man could ever face," was Dumbledore's haunting whisper. "If they ever kiss you, your soul will be sucked out."

Light turned white as a sheet. "No...no. Then I... I give up my ownership of the Death Note!"

"Losing your memories is not going to help," said Ryuk, grinning. "Your heart is still mine, as soon as your friend Dumbledore gives me back my notebook."

"Nobody's going to be killing anybody," Fudge commanded. "These Muggles will receive fair trials."

"Damn you! I'm going to eat your little green hipster bowler hat," Ryuk threatened.

"I draw the line there, Ryuk. Fudge was wearing bowler hats before they became hipster," Dumbledore asserted.

"Thank you, Dumbledore," Fudge blustered before stepping into the fireplace and disappearing with Dawlish and the two Kiras.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **The next chapter will be the final one. Indeed, this story is almost done!


	16. Pies and Goodbyes

**A/N: **Hi. Welcome to the final chapter of this fic. About time, eh?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own SHIZZLE.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 16: Pies and Goodbyes<strong>

* * *

><p>"Now, Ryuk," said Dumbledore, "we'll have to do something about those Shinibasilisk eggs. And yes, I took the liberty of mashing your kinds' names together, because that's what shippers DO." He screamed the last word, as though channelling a certain mad man from another fandom. Then again, Dumbledore was already mad on his own merits.<p>

Ryuk wrinkled his nose. "I'm too young to be a father," he tried.

"You're a Shinigami," Snape snarled. "You don't age at all."

"Can I just bake them into pies and feed them to my friends and forget this whole thing ever happened?" Ryuk tried again.

"WHAT? What the HELL is wrong with you?" Matsuda proceeded to throw up violently all over Dumbledore's office floor. Aizawa patted Matsuda's back in a soothing manner.

"I take it you haven't seen _Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street,_" said Aizawa. "You know, that movie with Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, and Alan Rickman."

Tears were streaming down poor Matsuda's face. "The one directed by Tim Burton?"

"Did you really have to ask?"

Matsuda clutched his stomach. "Yeah, I did see it. Oh no, why did you have to bring that up, now I'm going to – BLEARRRGHHH."

At that moment, Professor McGonagall came rushing into the office.

"Albus, Severus, Peeves is in the Slytherin dungeons wreaking havoc," McGonagall informed them, barely giving the two Muggles and the Shinigami a second glance. Evidently, she was used to seeing strange things in Dumbledore's office, such as the Headmaster practicing hot yoga in blue booty shorts (how else does he keep fit?). "The common room is an utter mess, from what I'm hearing."

"Is that so? Well, we have Dumbledore to blame. He gave Peeves permission," Snape hissed, glowering at the Headmaster.

"How many of Filch's turds does Peeves have, anyway? Does he collect them in his spare time or something?" Dumbledore asked, impressed.

"Turds?" McGonagall's brow knitted. "No, he's _egging_ the place."

Everyone except McGonagall gasped.

"What?" McGonagall asked, perplexed.

"What kind of eggs?" Ryuk demanded, his voice trembling with either hope or fear. Snape would've wagered it was the former.

"Giant purple ones that smell like vegetables, apparently."

"YES!" Ryuk crowed. "Who's your daddy? NOT ME."

"How morbid," Aizawa murmured, shaking his magnificent half-afro (indeed, it was starting to grow back from his impromptu haircut somewhere during the first few chapters).

"Okay..." said McGonagall. "There's still the issue of the mess and stench."

"Filch can deal with it," Dumbledore said easily. "With manual labour, it'll take three hours, tops."

"Why should Filch have to clean it up when Severus can do it magically and painlessly in three seconds?" McGonagall pointed out.

Dumbledore looked bemused. "I don't know, good point," he admitted. "Why does Argus do the cleaning, anyway? What a waste of time and Galleons. I should've thought that one through."

Snape cupped a hand to his ear, unable to rein in his sarcastic nature. "Was that the sound of logic, Albus?"

"I love magic! Can we come watch?" Matsuda asked eagerly.

"No," Snape barked. "I'm sick of your face. You've attacked me, stolen my wand, and in the process, almost started a war between the Wizarding World and Kira! I almost died because of you! None of this would've happened if you hadn't –"

Snape broke off in sudden realization. No, it wasn't true. It wasn't entirely Matsuda's fault. Snape wouldn't have had to drag Light, Misa, Aizawa, and Matsuda to Hogwarts if it hadn't been for Matsuda and Aizawa seeing Arthur Weasley's flying Ford Anglia, and that wouldn't have happened if...

"POTTER!_" _

So what if the flying car incident technically happened before the term started? So what if several floors below, a handful of Gryffindor students gave a loud exclamation as every single ruby flew up from the bottom of their House hourglass, leaving the lower half completely empty? Knowing Dumbledore, he'd just conveniently add the points back at the last minute ensure Gryffindor's year-end victory. That jerk.

"I'll be on my way now," Snape said stiffly, moving to follow McGonagall out the door.

"When can we see you again?" Matsuda called out, his voice dripping with puppy-dog hope and innocence.

"Never, if I can help it."

"Aw, so mean..."

Dumbledore handed over the Death Note and skull pen to Ryuk, who hugged the items gratefully. "I've put a Freezing Charm on the notebook, which will lift as soon as you return to the Shinigami Realm and outside the boundaries of wizarding jurisdiction. From there, you can keep an eye on the Kira trials, which no doubt would be entertaining to you. If Light Yagami receives the death penalty, you can take it upon yourself to execute him, as you wanted."

"Fair enough," Ryuk jeered, waving everyone good-bye and disappearing from the visible spectrum.

Dumbledore presented his arms to the two Muggles. "Hang on tight. We'll get you both back to Los Angeles in no time."

"So long," cried Matsuda, while Aizawa gave Snape an awkward smile.

"Good riddance," Snape bit out, and Dumbledore Apparated away with his uber special Headmaster privileges begotten by the sixth film.

* * *

><p>When Snape entered the Slytherin common room, he could barely believe his eyes. Black slime covered the walls as though the Giant Squid had sneezed everywhere and performed a satanic ritual with its rivers of snot.<p>

"_Scourgify."_

The slime and egg shell bits vanished. But before Snape could leave to call the Slytherin students back to their dormitory, something caught his eye.

A solitary purple egg.

"This is just great," Snape sighed. He drew his wand once more and quashed his moral qualms, as many wizards and witches do.

"_Evanesco," _Snape murmured, and the egg Vanished, which begs the question as to why wizards bother _Avada Kedavra-_ing each other instead of immediately Vanishing them into "non-being" – clearly, dead bodies are very inconvenient, leaving evidence behind and coming back to life and all that. Seriously. Why? We will never know.

Snape's stomach gave a loud rumble. His mouth twitched. He had not eaten since this whole ordeal began. If he made his way to the Great Hall now, he would still be in time for pudding.

Needless to say, he was in the mood for some pie.

* * *

><p><em>Fin.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Thanks for reading, and to every single person who has reviewed over the last year and a half. I'm glad people seemed to have enjoyed this story, if you can even call crack as such. Well, on to the next adventure!

Ciao, everyone :D


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